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My favorite thing is to get stoned and write .. Obviously. All I’ve been working on is learning/remembering how to write. I guess at some point I should write fiction. Since now I know that fiction and nonfiction are the same. Non fiction is so exhausting anyway ..
That’s the difference between Rape and Sex. The first is about one, the second about two. That’s why Rape is the black hole of the universe, and Sex is what keeps it alive, keeps the world spinning, because that’s the secret to life: Two. I remember assuming that as a little kid, how I wordlessly assumed that I was on my way to another.
Fight is required. The other person is required, and the first person is supposed to assume that they can’t just do what they want or someone will stop them.
Maybe I was wrong to carry out that test on my sisters, wrong to allow A__ and H__ to fail ..
Right and Wrong the same, I know, I know ..
Feel .. the Hurt of being Wrong, B, even if you don’t know which side of the coin you’re on: Right or Wrong. Feel everything, be alive.
Maybe writing is so uncool, like how some people don’t like seeing me writing away on my own. Or maybe it’s like how that girl treated it, outside the restaurant when she told me to forget she’d asked me what I would write sometimes, because now maybe she’d messed up a cool thing. I believe the girl.
So again, my true personality is how I am when I’m stoned, just like how I felt the first time I got high, I’m most like K__ and K__ is most like me, according to everyone else, he was the ultimate stoner.
I have my example, and I have my self, and my learnings, my red writing, so get to living ..
Go as long as possible wordless, that’s the new game, the next stage in the high. I got to stop writing .. Listen to your hearbeat, remember Tolle’s teachings .. Get to the point, to the word, to the whatever you’re so afraid of forgetting again .. Get to that point and trust yourself ..
Go as long as you can wordless and the longer you get the more you’ll trust yourself, each time, more and more, you’ll get better and better at it, weaning your way off the writing.
You didn’t know before, when Baby Boy was being raped, but it wasn’t your fault. It’s not a crime on your part, you can trust yourself, I promise. Baby Boy ..
When I’m high I’m most like Royal sometimes, then K__, his manner was one of my favorites, so close to Him. I guess I have more than one example after all.
Paranoia’s kicked in. I keep thinking I’m seeing things, seeing a quick movement here, there. I remember this from last time though, and I remember K__ describing it and joking about it, so I’m okay. Maybe it’s natural to be this alert.
Trust yourself, Baby Boy .. look how much you’ve written, this is the opposite of wordlessness.
So I have to learn to be happy on both sides, until they come together, the word one I’ve been in will become the wordless one, and the world will remain exactly the same .. This is so Difficult to learn.
Education and Dumb, same. Wordlessness, b, express yourself in every other way, like a moving statue, like a moving Statue of David, like a non-physical Him. Die before dying, b, die before dying, come on, die.
Dying and Living the same.
Come on, no more words, Die, b. Die.
I guess Benjamin was my first character, The nonfiction becomes the fiction. The fiction becomes the nonfiction. The words become Real.
Maybe I’m supposed to talk so that my lover knows me more and more believes the Him inside and not the Ugliness they see only physically, everyday as I grow old. The lover believing enough to allow me to stop talking and we go to that holy wordless poetry called Sex.
I always remain the writer and never go back to being the reader. Listen to others as much as you listen to yourself. You lived in a world of lies before, but you’re not a Baby Boy any more. I don’t have to keep both with me anymore. Nowadays people are not that stupid, they listen more by your actions than your words. I’ll be okay.
I’ve been attracted to ugly girls before, I got to them so fast I never got a good look beforehand. I got to know them while we were kids and the world of sex supposedly didn‘t exist. I cheated, having sex so early and still making it advantageous to me by being so brave I lost nothing to the Abuse.
I loved K__ , I just didn’t like him, that’s all. It’s like those families that are always fighting with each other, those are the ones who love each other the most. I was attracted to E__, despite her being older than me. I’m not afraid of an ugly world, there’s always been good in me, holding on, I was always the Good, and I’m not tricked by the physical anymore.
You’re supposed to Talk, not Think. Do you get the difference? One involves Two. The other just the one, not quite all the way alive, because he can’t trust himself not to be Horrific.
It wasn’t your fault, it wasn’t your fault ..
(watching soccer)
(flipped to Two and Half Men)
Try not to write, no words, trust you’ll remember ..
You’re supposed to try not to laugh. That’s comedy. I didn’t know that. That’s how you go from one end of the spectrum. That’s the most fun way of doing it. And it makes you funnier, to see right through the comedy.
Okay, I won’t remember this .. Got to write this down .. Comedians are so cool .. The ones who break face and laugh are the losers .. Lol ..
Just write as much as possible, as simply as possible, so a baby could understand -- Baby Boy .. -- and see how long you can last wordless. The longer you last, the less weed you’ll need, the more healed you are.
Who Knows? I’ll just play it as it goes.
That’s why people emulate their parents. The more things are the same and slowed down the more they can remember. The less they have to trust. Life is the challenge, always changing, requiring more and more bravery.
America loses. Life’s a game. Do your best same as whether you’re the winner/loser. To be that guy, to choke .. Worst.
USA being a good loser .. It’s as valuable as being a good winner. They look the same : athleticism.
Here we go again..
Babies think they can communicate like this.. Half words in half sentences.
Two languages, Dionysius’s and Apollo‘s.
You’ve got to learn how to communicate. I don’t want to do it with words!
You’re such a guy.
I couldn’t see it before, the Madonna/Whore complex. How men want both women, can’t choose between them.
I’ll probably end up with an intelligent whore, one wizened by the horrific into a Madonna.
Beautiful, pained, resilient, someone similar to the women in my real family.
Except the opposite, this one will be Good.
The fantasy is that the Madonna will be the
whore. That both are the same. Whore and Madonna, same.
Dominant and not dominate.
There really are good men, listen to them instead. This is why humans have to learn -- trust is required, hurt is required, the challenge of it, required, and the trust is just as beautiful as independence.
There is someone perfect for you at all times. In all moments. You don’t have to be perfect, nor do they, but that person perfect for you is always there.
You will deserve this person’s goodness. This time, look at your past, remember, what I’m saying is true and I don’t have to remember why anymore. I promised. I learned.
Communication is hard. Because there are few people who are either this stoned, or at least this matured. Lol.
(A dog commercial comes on narrated by Sarah McLaughlin)
(just listened to this American Life story where the guy is asked by his fellow Iraqis if he might adopt this kid who is alone among some store fronts in a violent part of Iraq, him and his wife discuss it and they agree no, they have too many adoptees as it is, _but then they sent a damn picture,_ the guy says joking.)
The sexy look is considered so moderne for women. And men, for that matter. The end of the book sperm wars was about how each type of person, including Madonna and Whore, and what gender partners men have, all have about the equal amount of children, (and the world stays in balance).
This includes people who have less births, because when they have fewer births they have a better success rate for descendents due to the less being more successful.
In other cases the high risk/high gain scenario doesn’t work, and individuals parent more babies but less survive. All is equal. The world is balanced already. Promise.
That’s why each culture has different perceptions of what’s good looking. They’re all families. Which one is the Real one? The one that will survive evolution? I guess we’ll see.
Some would say good ole America. Others would say Rome fell.
At least I was a soldier, at least I got that right. I remember when I was a soldier, it was the first time I felt like Him. June 1^st.
Some say being able to be happy Alone is just as important as being able to be happy as Two. Maybe. I’m just so unfamiliar with the one, or the two I should say.
It’s what the old ones know that’s Life. Hence they’re the wise ones. At least the Asian culture got it right.
Real men know it’s just a game, so they’re not afraid to kill. Some women do, too. Or maybe more than I imagine.
Fashion is art, expression of the Real you, as opposed to the physical. There’s nothing wrong with that. And there’s nothing wrong with the stark un-manipulated physical either.
I like the simpler plays and films, like the Addams Family. I didn’t get pulled into the story, I just got to relax, watch the Real people pretending to be characters. Like how Two and Half Men is. It’s fun.
I promise, you don’t have to learn no more. I promise.
At some point, you have to stop recovering from the living you’ve done, and begin living again.
At some point you’ve got to let the words become physical and stay there. At some point you’ve got to enter the world the words allude to and leave the words behind forever.

__________