(Saturday, 26JUN2010)
When I got home, I went to sleep, then woke up the next morning and got stoned. I watched TV in order to stay calm through all the challenges.
My right pec tightened, and I remembered that it was just presence, and allowed the feeling to continue through my body.
On the TV I saw an attractive guy get kissed by a beautiful girl and it was like porn began in my mind.
It was the two of them, then my skin becomes his skin and my face his face, so that it was like I was becoming him, then the high stopped going higher.
It wasn’t that I was turning into him by imagination, it was that I was turning out to be him, turning out to be so good looking no one was better looking than me, because it’s what’s on the inside that decides it, and I am Good.
I remembered that first high, where Sex showed up strong and insisted that whatever creates Sex, makes everything turn out to be Sex, a prelude to Sex, or the afterglow of Sex, whatever makes Sex out of Everything is the Truth.
It was hard to believe at the time.
The soul fight decides it. Decides which perception is the True one. That wordless place in each person that does the soul fighting. That wordless place is the person, that person is god. We are each god. And that wordless place is Sex. So in this language God’s name is Sex.
God is Sex.
Sex is god.
Wordless poetry.
This is the realm of the gods. A work of art called Heaven. With every life, ever challenge, all is Heaven. As long as you are Brave, you’ll keep jumping out of the Who Knows? Place, and you’ll always turn out to be Eternal with the same Soul Name.
God showed up pretty early in my Life, I joked to myself.
It’s Hurt that is the test, accept hurt, be strong enough to accept hurt, and you win. You become God. You melt into the Universe that is God.
Tantra was correct: you turn into Sex itself. You are your member. That’s funny. All those vaginas and penis’s walking through the Metropolitan. You are the way your penis feels in another person, how another person experiences you in bed. That’s why there has to be another person.
The Soul is incomplete without another person. Sex is incomplete without the other person. Sex is the Soul place, the other person the Soul Mate, and this life is eternal life, because it’s a circle, a cycle, you die and then you are born, on your way to the same Soul Mates in each life, in different forms, different stories, different lives.
I’m on my way to a lover, as long as I am Brave. The harder life is the more it Hurts, and the more it Hurts, the Braver you have to be, and the Braver you are, the more you ensure you’ll live forever. I’m from Horrific; if I could just pull this off ..
The more you trust that all life is sex, the more you allow yourself to Work [Work on your Life, like the work being done now, writing this], and the more you work, the more you trust [the braver you are], and Work is just one of many values, and with each one is a benefit that brings you closer to God.
The idea is to be Happy. And ultimate happiness is Sexuality (the Soul‘s language). What brings about the acceptance of Sex, is great Hurt.
I keep going back, trying to learn where the switch is, trying to get closer to the very, very beginning of the high like before the part where _______.
Sex doesn’t exist in the physical. Same as the Oscars, and the talk shows, and the TV shows, and the films, those worlds don’t actually exist, they‘re carefully orchestrated so that they‘ll be believed for awhile. As if life were a show. I’ve heard that before, that life’s a stage, but now I disagree, life is what happens in privacy. Because it’s Art, it’s always alluding to the Real, to the Wordless, to that holy, wordless place called Sex.
This is the memory stage. I know this stuff, I know how it’s going to work, I’ve got the memory game down.
The next stage turns out to be Childhood, and I can feel its presence all around me. The world my childhood took place in.
I remember the days after deployment when I wasn’t high anymore but the memory was so strong I could become the boy and see the world through his eyes at any time. I kept thinking to myself I am the Boy and the Boy is me. I understood that it could be done, this can be learned.
Remember what kept the Boy strong in those times, basically what kept the high strong despite not having smoked? It was the dreams, so strong I couldn’t tell dream from Wake world, until I did and recovered and wrote while watching the Oscars.
The dreams were the memories ..
That world was my childhood. And that beautiful world is to be remembered, in order to keep up with yourself, in order to continue along with your life.
So Work is stressful, and the joints teach me how to stay relaxed. That’s the challenge, the holy challenge of How.
If I was an animal I would always be high, all animals would, because we’d be so dumb and wordless that’s how we’d stay happy. Animals Know. It’s what’s so beautiful about them and Native American culture. You live off the land. And the land is inevitably dying, so we’ve got to live another way, a spiritual way, to make the difference for awhile, because the Ice Age is coming again. The cycle repeating.
Writing is exhausting, I don’t really get to enjoy the high, just learn learn learn and type as fast as I can. It’s hard to do while inebriated, I have to continue to focus more and more and more, the tense relaxation in my muscles more and more experienced.
Work is athletic. And we’re back to Athletic again, the word I used when I was in New York and first felt the tensed relaxation that was presence.
Everything means Everything. Work and Athleticism, the same, Stress and work, the same, Athleticism and Relaxation, the same. Each matches the other, it takes Two. And Two and Sex are the same, The cycle and Eternity, the same, and on and on for eternity.
It takes Two. It takes Sex, it takes Hurt, it takes Dying before Dying, It takes Bravery, It takes Trust, it takes Bravery, it Takes Trust ..
Reading and writing, the same, learning and teaching, the same; this is the new game, the next stage in the high. Fun.
Babies feel everything and as they grow older they Toughen themselves up as required, until they learn how to be Brave enough to feel everything and not freak out. Dionysius and Apollo.
I feel that terrible Realness I felt while high and riding away from House’s sister’s apartment that second day I got back from deployment.
The beginning and end, the same, the last high and the first high, the same .. That ugly Realness, the ugliness, the other side of the Real world. That ugliness others mistake for sex: the ugly mechanics of one unattractive body part to another, except when they’re Real, and you see the Masculine beauty of the Phallus, the Feminine beauty of the Vagina. Ugliness is Beauty. Just flip it, become understanding of the Soul behind everything. The Soul came before the first heartbeat, causing the heart to beat.
The Timeless place the pills take me too and the Robitussion took me to the night before last in New York when I looked at my new friend and saw how ugly he was as he kept glancing at my muscles.
That timeless, stark, scary, eternal soul place I experienced when on that drug, that’s where you live on a day to day basis.
You accept that Life is Death, once you’re alive, you’re dead, hence it’s art, like a blossom, a cycle, one ice age after another, living off the land and then your spirit, Art Art Art, Scary, Timeless, Haunting Art. Haunting, Art, the same, Scary, Brave.
Everything I read is the same, everything I write, alluding to the same, Everything is Nothing, I’ll end up wordless like how I was that Saturday night shortly after House left, putting up the bird feeders and watching British comedies through the window, listening to music, knowing the wordless living is the best one.
So I go back to the animals, while the animals reach toward us, Unconsciousness is Good and Bad, Consciousness Bad and Good, the two ends of the cycle, the only thing the same about them is the Challenge, the only thing they have in common and that makes them seamless is the How.
The rules I’ve learned and written these past few days, flow through my head, and my muscles tense/relax.
I have to be just as present as I was in New York, around all those people, even when I’m alone, and no one is watching. There is only one world, I don’t need the one Dionysius created and is stuck in, that Safe Place. I don’t need it anymore, I’m grown/Boy again.
Alone. Loneliness, that’s what got me. It’s when you’re with someone that you’re most present. Like being in the eyes of God at all times, like the old people used to teach.
It’s where Dionysius truly likes to be, even if he is still too hurt to admit that it’s better than the Safe Place.
When you stop self reflecting, you stop working, you stop learning about the Horrific, when you’re with someone you’re so present you become wordless. It’s scary. You don’t have to know everything, just remember and stop teaching yourself Horrific. You’ll remember what you need to when you need to.
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