3

(Monday evening)

There’s less words this high. Maybe it’s the new snake-bowl, maybe the music. The path is the same, just faster.
Once it gets to the memory game part it proves to be a dark high, like the ones House had me on in the beginning. Everything is just as familiar, just as full of more memories, but scarier, requiring shifting with more bravery.
The music is great. When I’m high it changes, becomes like the performers are actually here. Despite my body knowing it’s coming out of a plastic box the high can trick my body into believing the music. I jump around to Punk Rock.
All paths are good, necessary. Everyone tells their own story -- rationalizes.
Everyone is the winner? The one who’s genetics are best? No, everyone just believes each other.
Love IS Understanding. Forgiveness. Loving yourself is understanding yourself, which is taking the time to learn about yourself, instead of just judge.
The three of us would play without clothes, in diapers, and they liked it. Liked it in a different way than I did. A__ and H__.
When I’m here, it’s like that movie Frequency. I’m standing here in the past, the body in here with me, and the laptop is the future, which I type into to let him know.
Maybe as you get older, your senses deaden. (As the Him and Her gain strength on the way to eternity.) So if you grow up fast, you’re senses deaden faster (and your soul awakens). Unless you’re strong .. Becoming more and more sensitive while still staying cool.
I went in P__ and S__’s direction, my uncle and aunt, L__’s younger brother. The young adults. They were my only example. They were always my favorite age group. That’s why I’ve hated them. Because I loved them. Their age group, their lifestyle, sreamed of Independence. But they ignored the Abuse, the House, and fostered and adopted other kids out of social services instead.
Back then, I wouldn’t even call her Mom, danced around the word. Could get through whole hours. That was mean to her. But it didn’t feel mean at the time, I wasn’t being mean, I just couldn’t say the word, I wasn’t doing it on purpose, my lips and tongue refused to make the sound anymore.
All this writing .. All this judgment .. I’m judging myself. When you’re all on your own, that’s what you do, because you have no one else.
If I FOCUS I’ll move forward. It feels the opposite of what I’m supposed to do. To move forward without moving forward. If you move forward in spirit, the body will figure out what it needs to figure out. If you move forward in body only, you don’t really move forward at all. It’s merely different when you’re a child; only the adult mind can sort things out, so things get twisted.
Understanding is Sympathy.
There have been times where I had too much sympathy for myself. How could I not? I was young, I couldn’t understand myself and didn’t know how else to react.
I judged myself for living adult life so badly the first time. I know I was a child but I didn’t experience it that way. I was me and the House was the challenge before me. I did do well, I just get stuck on the details: things that happened in public, in front of relatives, the judgment I’ve felt from others for not being good enough when I was six and living an adult life.

__________

　
(Tuesday)

　
I feel close to forgiving them, so I perform the same routine as yesterday. Go over the notes, makes sure I know them, and light up again.
Just because I understand and forgive L__ doesn’t mean I’ll ever end up with a woman like that. It means I was already with a woman like that.
I love my mom, and my sisters; R__, even, he seems so pathetic in the end. But at some point a line had to be drawn, a boundary, as far as what was acceptable or not. On one side is horrific, and the other the generations between my legs.
Everyone knows what everything feels like. That’s the true way human beings communicate, not by words but by the feelings the words allude to, the wordless poetry. You just have to trust that others have felt the same way you have.
The best part is I can show my expressions and emotions on my face and still feel safe because there’s no way anyone could ever guess.
In that house, I was so dumb, and they knew me so well; there’s a shame in it, people who know you that well can twist everything about you into a bad thing and then make you believe it. They could get in my head.
I was so vulnerable, so dumb. Hiding my emotions was a survival technique. It’s nice to show honesty, people like to see it, even if they could never guess the story behind it.
Allow yourself to be happy .. A deep sadness comes over me as I allow it .. It’s a beautiful day is the beginning .. It reminds me of so many other beautiful days .. This is the memory game again .. There’s a beauty in the horrific, to the point where the two are the same, and the memories flip to that, flipping all over the place as each item and feel and sight reminds me. Take it all in. Pull into you all the beauty around you. This is all my life is, absolutely no identifiers, and I’m so happy ..
_You never remember past arguments because it was never about what the argument was about,_ Oprah just said.
_If you’re healthy, you never remember the arguments,_ replied Jerry Seinfeld.
The world was beautiful in the spring. Shortly after House left and before I went to back to work. I wasn’t high on anything, wasn’t drinking, the world remained beautiful.

__________

　
Had a dream where I was apologizing:
_ It was just that I had a mother just like ___’s,_ I said to her. _Except worse, so I’m sensitive to you. ____ (my friend) loves you, he can see all the way down to where you’re a good person and all the rest is just you trying your best. I was trying my best too. The way I was back then, wasn’t the true way that I felt about things. I was acting out._
I’ve remembered many sharp memories; I’ve gotten used to what they had to say. I remember the soft memories, more and more, so soft I’d almost forgotten them entirely.
Like the way the breeze from the open window felt against my wrist as I sat in the corner chair of the parlor and my sixth grade teacher was on her way to visit the House. It’s amazing to remember your childhood that strongly, so strongly it’s like you’re there again, just with a different mind.
The people who stay and never leave their hometowns, they’re the most forgiving. That’s what this bubble-like existence in America enables, a refusal to forgive. It is possible to eject people from your life.
Things repeat, things repeat, the story of the Gods repeat. Hence, you remember. You’re a cycle, a half circle. A one of two.
You end up so grateful for those people. For every single person cause you’re so grateful for the things you’ve learned.
‘Settling down’ is relaxing. Relaxing down, settling in, getting comfortable. A young man tends to not be settled down, is all over the place, in spirit and body.

__________

　
(Wednesday)
　
I watched a little of Dr. Phil. He’s actually on the money, he’s just terrible at explaining it. I’m bad at explaining it, I’m sure, but I’m better than him.
I’m over expressive -- not on my face, but inside, because I’m trying to know who I am as I am it. Like I’m doing everything doubly. If I’d trust the other person, just allowed them to make their own idea of me, no matter what it was, no matter what they needed, and not be afraid because I already know and believe the truth, if I’d just allow myself all the way forward and into wordless poetry, everything would balance out.
I dozed off and shifted to where I was in this scene where I was in one of those trippy films like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and Adam’s wife had had exactly as much weed as I had and had known all the same things I did, and she recognized me as someone abused by the mother and she knew that she was someone abused by the father and we knew each other, and started talking about it, casually, on a beach somewhere, in real life, while Adam and his son played in the water.
The she turned into an actress I’d seen on TV and I said, So we don’t ever work it out. Me and you, the battle of the sexes, we never have that relationship where we’re meant for each other, and every moment has its Two.
_No,_ she said.
_So we never marry? Have children?_
_Maybe, if we had turned out that good, that disciplined._ She sat up more, inspecting something on her bare toe.
_I don’t get it. I thought I was supposed to forgive the mother to the point of killing the father and marrying her._
_Doesn’t mean you have to._ she said, while fixing her hair slightly. _We know way too much about each other._
Her expression softened, as if on purpose, like she was trying to get the nerve to say something, while also saying it properly. _You wouldn’t even sleep with me,_ she said, not looking at me. _You slept with E__ but only because you knew she couldn’t have children and you didn’t even come the first time. Some would’ve gone much farther. They would’ve lived everything out in Real time, instead of through fiction. They would’ve had Real relationships, and children would’ve resulted, all over the place,_ and she smiles deeply, then continues: _You wouldn’t even sleep with me._
I say nothing, remain unwaveringly innocent.
_Go find yourself a girl from outside this path, this whole path, from outside our cycle, from way outside this cycle, then you’ll have an adventure. You’re done with me. You know who I am, I know who you are._
She turns her face, to look back at the waves as I back away from her. After a moment she turns again and says, _You could’ve at least loved me a little, at least found something about me attractive._ she sighed. _Let me give you a hint, as a loving gesture. Enjoy the adventurous woman, love each one from outside our cycle, and don’t freak out when you start to wonder which one I was all along. It‘s okay to be closer to me than to her. You‘ll just have to be closer to her the wordless way._
With that the dream ended, and I shifted back to the wake world.
So I get to live like this, all the memories stamped to my soul. Yes, it’s like being alive times two.
I only know how to do one thing, (sex). The rest, I really don’t.

_________