9

(lying in bed at the hotel)

Lying here reminds me of sleeping at my aunt and uncle’s house in the mountains. The one with the cows.
We all pay our price for our life.
That’s the whole point.
I always knew I’d have to choose whether to leave the family forever or not.
They failed the test, even my relatives failed.
Women don’t want guys to be deep.
They prefer men to experience the world visually only.
Otherwise, women are thwarted.
That’s why men pound into women like that,
And the sex feels like the man is winning something,
The women are so dumb to think that good looks had anything to do with Good.
Women do choose the ugly male form as her mate.
A kind of redemption; a redemptive quality.
(Don’t generalize, B.)
They say anxiety is an evolutionary advantage, keeping me alert.
But I can be alert without anxiety now.
I learned Drama from all those shows the House’s women were always watching.
Holiness IS lovingness. Two sides of the same coin.
I remember being attracted to the guy teenagers when I was little. I was so sexual then.
I remember going to sleep like this, in front of the window, my little boy feet going from side to side.
I’m so relaxed, I want to fall asleep.
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(waking next morning) Do you remember? Do you remember? (The Oldies song plays in my mind)
It’s hard to remember when you body’s so different then it used to be. It’s like you’re this new person everyday, unrecognizable except by habit.
I think about going to Chicago next. But the house down South is such a beautiful place, I think to myself. Don’t see it as a home and you’ll always be on vacation, always free. I’m grown now so I don’t have a home anymore, just one adventure after another.
I’m still following the rules, as I walk the streets, I watch the space between people, become aware of the empty space between everything, and the world goes back to Homer3D.
It’s hard to tell if I’m high due to the rules or to the substance. If I focus on the empty space in-between, the opposite of the empty space stands out. Tolle said the same was true about listening to the silence between sounds instead of the sounds. Everything’s flipped.
I love to move now, the tense relaxation is strong. That’s the difference between natural movements and the conformed-assumed kind. Like that gay guy on the train, pulling on little bits of his hair where his head met his neck. Those were his natural, true movements, he couldn’t help them, he had no numbness, his soul had come all the way forward into the physical.
They can never know this, R__ and L__, A__ and H__, or they’ll be masturbating to me the rest of their lives. They can never see the Real me. I can never go back, I have to promise myself I’ll never see them again, or I’ll never feel free enough to come all the way forward into the world. I’m never going back.
What do you see? What do you really see? comes the voice of Alfred Molina, the actor who played the older artist in the play Red. All the world is art, he continues, Now tell me what you SEE. His says the last sentence desperately, as if my answer decides something in his own life.
I see the cycles. The cycles of nature, how everything’s a cycle, over and over. All life wants to be challenged, wants to play, as if sports and athleticism were life itself. At the end of each ice age, each human life is challenged by having so little intellect, while at the beginning the life is challenged by having too much intellect and not being able to remember the old ways. The young feels challenged in the same way and the old wish they knew less words, or none at all.
All evolution is a game, a horrifically beautiful game. One us gods decided on, then chose to forget the decision, so that we think we don’t know where we come from, but sense that we do.
I’m inside the Museum of Natural History. I’ve been here before, so I casually walk through the displays this time.
_It takes as little as one gene to change and it will change the entire direction of a species,_ one display says, _Scientists still don’t know what causes the change -- the evolution._
What do you see? Alfred keeps insisting. I see so much stimulation no wonder the West tends to desensitize themselves, otherwise your Awareness would explode. Scientists and science seem so boring because of all the words, but it’s what the words are alluding to that make it so great -- This stuff is Real. Real. This is it.
I pass a display about the Shamans in the Americas and especially the Amazon before the invasions. It says that they knew well the narcotic properties of different plants and substances and used them for spiritual enlightenment. So I’m not the first, huh.
In the Asian wing the memory game continues strong. I haven’t experienced enough to have that much memory, I tell myself, these articles are too exotic. B_llsh_t, you come from the horrific -- this is it, b.
I have a tan I didn’t know about. I hadn’t noticed until I was in the bathroom mirror with a bunch of other guys, us all waiting to get paper towels.
It’s not the individual, but the species that is the individual. Each species is like brothers and sisters around a holiday dinner table called Earth. Each descendant of that individual is like an avatar representation of that, like how an atom is a galaxy .. Maybe I am high off the substance after all ..
The more I remember, the more connected I feel to the whole spectrum of my life. Who knew you’d grow up to be this, b? A guy in a museum who keeps stopping to jot something down .. You mean who knew I’d grow up to be Him? I always knew. That’s life, you have a good sense of the past, as well as the future.
I get why stoners watch so much TV when they’re high. They need the stimulation, something for the high to reckon with, something to distract them so the abstract thoughts will flow. Huh.
What happens when I’m healed? Will the ‘reset button’ become a regular needed fix? I guess I’ll deal with that when I get there.
I’m a full day from when I smoked the last joint and I’m still able to stay high as long as I follow the rules.
When I’m not moving, the tensed relaxation becomes non-applicable, it’s the challenge of stillness that replaces it. I guess it’s another form of alert awareness that fuels relaxation.
I love stairs now, I’ve been taking them two at a time, the muscles in my legs mine again. It’s so easy. How did I move before, when I was numb, how did I manage?

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