2

That afternoon I waited another seven hours to mail off the last of K__ and mine’s boxes.
W___, who is in House’s company, had just gotten off duty and was walking past when he saw me in line. He stopped, in the semi darkness, and talked to me for over two hours. That’s what I most like about W___ when I met him. He can talk non stop, and never lose my interest.
He talked about being a cop, and how he was doing some online schooling, including some psychiatry courses. I asked him what he thought about the whole Nature Nurture question.

_What you don’t think,_ he said, incredulous,
_That that stuff doesn’t shapes who you are, who you become?_
_I just think people can surprise you,_ I replied,
_I don’t think something bad necessarily means anything, at all._
_That’s because you then make that bad into good. And that good shapes you._
If I didn’t know W__ better, I’d think he was the most mentally-healthy person I’d ever met.
He told me this story, that came across to me as a bit too detailed, about the only friend he had left in his life who wasn’t either a soldier or a cop.
_He was a total geek, Chuck. He hung out with me and Can___ during high school but really I just beat him up constantly. I mean, he was just a total poser, a total weakling, you know._
He laughed, relishing the story.
_I broke him down, Chuck. I beat him up so much, I ragged on him so much, that finally, shortly before I went to Basic, when we were Juniors in high school, he suddenly flipped out on me, he was like, If you don’t stop, I’m going to kick you ass! And I said: that’s it! That’s what I’ve been looking for! That anger, that confidence, that’s what people like, that’s what girls like, that’s it! We went shopping and I told him what clothes to buy even though he didn’t like them, I just created him in his true image, Chuck. When I got back from Basic -- I mean, he never had anything to do with girls before, like he liked them, just he never spoke to them -- when I got back he was dating the hottest girl in our school. The girl who had been the hottest girl in our school since like elementary school._
There was an awkwardness about the way he told the story. I understood what W__ was taking so much trouble to explain to me, and I understood why.
_You, know?_ he said, the sun finally setting behind him. Arabian blasts of orange and red and yellow turning his frame into silhouette. _I was telling him to get angry, cause that’s confidence._
I thought to my self, how simple. Then I remembered that that’s the me the people in the House wanted to Rape.

_________

　
The anger, the temperament, is attractive because it’s Real, it’s secure. It means I‘m true, it means that the other person isn‘t wasting their time, looking for life, looking for the real world .. I am the world. Just as much the world as anyone else. Believe it or not, anger is what people like to see, because the individual is upholding truth, nature, etc.
But that’s how I kept jobs back in those hard times on the Grift -- never showing too much confidence, never having that look in my eye.
And back then I did it all with this hope of freedom in mind, this one day when I would cross that line, somehow, someway. Those days are over now.
I was always afraid of my confidence. Always breaking it down, analyzing it, making sure I deserved it, because deep down I felt I didn’t, because of the House.
When I’m angry -- when I’m Raw -- when I’m Him -- I’m exposed, hence, it adds up to confidence, like W___ implied.
I rarely feel worthy of my anger, and when I do get angry, I feel out of control, cause it turns out it was all bottling up the whole time.
If someone were to call me a poser, I’d get angry, because I’m not a poser, I just feel like one most of the time. There’s a difference.
When I feel anger, I catch myself bracing for that hand swinging to hit me in the face.

__________

　
I think about K__ and how brilliant he was in his dealings with me.
That game we’d play of who will speak first. Sometimes it lasted over a week. It seemed like a secondary argument inside whatever one we were having. It seemed unfair to me. I was so terrified of his rebuking me, rejecting me -- senselessly abandoning me. Maybe he forced me to trust him, forced me to prove it to myself.
I wouldn’t have liked K___ back during the hard times. He’s too natural. It was my becoming unnatural, inhuman, that kept me safe in the House -- always on guard, always thinking.
Someone like K__ practically encouraged unnaturalness by his ignorance. Natural people seemed so irresponsible to me when I was growing up.
I want to be natural again. Facing the unnaturalness is like a price to pay; the dumbing down, letting go; like how Baby Suggs explained: _Lay it down by the river, your sword and shield._
After K__ left, I got into the music he gave me. I’ve Wikipedia’d Pink Floyd, Led Zepplin, Cream, The Who, the Foo Fighters, Nine Inch Nails, listening to them, reading about them, for hours.
I don’t mention any of this stuff to him when he emails me. I try to keep it short and normal.
Maybe I miss him, but I’m okay.

__________