Workplace, 1

__________
　

(Wednesday)
　
I received an email from Mc___ at my workplace,
saying that when I came in the next day for me to stop by and talk to the Captain. I had planned to stop by in order to give H___ some resources off my hard drive, since I had been doing his job before I deployed, only the position hadn’t existed then.
Mc__ begrudgingly sent me to the captain, though she felt his motives inappropriate.
He was careful to never say that I needed to come back to work now or I would have employment woes.
He explained that when he came back from deployment he was not okay and needed to take time off between deployment and work -- too much time, according to his workplace -- and he lost his job. He still felt it was the right choice, and understood the situation I was in.
I know they’re wondering about the bike trip, and my planning of it. I can’t go immediately because there are mandatory post-deployment seminars we have to go to, which are only a few weeks a part. Hence I have to wait til after -- three months from now -- before I can even begin the bike trip down the west coast.
I’m not entitled to six months off post-deployment, I’m simply allowed it as long as it’s worked out with my supervisor. Rarely does a supervisor not facilitate a soldier in taking the full six months off if he wants all six.
The deployment wasn’t easy.
I let M__ and K___ vent at me, allowed them to feel anger and see their deployment situation clearly because I was there to keep them from going too far, kept them within certain limits. I was their good friend.
Now that the deployment is over, I can unwind, but they’re not here to help me with it. To make sure I don’t go too far, get too angry. I know I curse a lot, express anger more openly -- signs that I’ve recently come back from deployment. This is why I feel hesitant about going back to work.
Not to mention none of my state-side coworkers emailed me while I was deployed. One did, but only once. It caused a distance between me and my coworkers that wouldn’t have been there if they had understood the meaning of the word deployed. I shouldn’t have to explain it to them. They are soldiers, must most have never deployed before.
They claim they sent emails, and joked that I would have so many emails to read once I checked them. I go along with a story that the emails just simply disappeared to some mysterious place somewhere in the world wide web.
They don’t understand that I also need time because I Remembered. I know that’s unfair to them, but I don’t respect my coworkers enough to care, most of them are sub-par, military-wise.
People act like I’m lucky to be here. That I have a job others wish for. I was hand-picked by a Sergeant Major (hence retired), a youngin amidst the experienced. I’m a chosen one. But whenever I visit my workplace -- as a courtesy after I run some errands, or take the trash to the dump -- I’m disappointed. It’s like when I arrive there I leave the Real world and enter a ridiculous one. It’s why I took eight pills and waited a couple of hours before I came here. The high dries out my mouth a little, and I wish I had brought a bottle of water. But I’m relaxed and calm, my posture and voice are true.
The jobs here are considered lucrative, so they attract people money-oriented. Even Mc__ is like that. I told her I just bought a brand new grand piano; her response was: _Why?_ She then explained to me money market accounts and ways for me to invest and save my deployment money. She seemed genuinely concerned.
This is why K__ fared so well. He never had to work. I’ve had to work since I was fourteen. Had to. It can rape you of Real life if you don‘t know any better. The work force wasn’t a good environment to grow up in. I’m free of that now, I enjoy the individual moments of my life now, and don’t like the feel of this workplace. I’d rather be creating something, teaching something, repairing something. There’s not a lot of good jobs like that anymore.
Sergeant H__ is ridiculous. Some people find his antics adorable, but he reminds me of a retarded child who has gotten too old and isn’t cute anymore, so he develops a snappiness. If I work for him it will be like working for Steve Carell on The Office.
My supposed competition for promotion is named B___. The only reason he wants the job is because he’s got nothing going on in his life -- except a wife and kids, with matching bills. He never developed any skills, but always relied on politics to get him employment, friendly favors. There’s a generation of people like that in the military; they count on the country always needing soldiers so desperately it will take anybody. They don’t remember the nineties. H___ says B__ crashed a gator into a tree yesterday, totaled it. I wasn’t surprised, but felt relieved that he wasn’t real competition.
I know they’re out of line to ask me to come back to work so soon. I understand the captain’s situation. I got a look around and saw what a mess things were.
People without the necessary skills are keeping the ship looking afloat, but the charade won’t last long. Out of the four key soldiers who work here, three deployed over a year ago -- I’m the last to return -- and one retired.
The captain has a mission, and he doesn’t have much to work with. Mc___ told me that the tempo will pick up in a few weeks, and it will stay that way for a long while. The captain’s worried, and doesn’t have options.
I wondered why during my deployment they hired H___ for the logistics position -- a man difficult to respect -- they had to have known it would be this way. Now they have me in mind for the position he vacated. It’s a broad, difficult position. It’s a big pay raise, if I were to get it. But I don’t care, and they think I should.
I just want to remain happy. There’s no truth to the idea that anything in my life being different would make me happier. There’s no such thing as ‘happier,’ you’re either happy or you’re not. And I’m happy, as long as I can remember. I wouldn’t mind just going back to the position I left, it’s guaranteed because it’s union.
The bike trip I had planned was something that got me though the end of the deployment. It was like a promise I had made to myself. Those last three months were the hardest to take. K___ left early because of his dad going into the hospital. M___ got separated from me. House showed up, but turned out not genuine. No one understood what the bike trip was, they just thought it was just me doing something to be doing something.
There’s too much to tell, plus it’s none of their business, I just came back from deployment, they don’t know anything about me, my workplace is judging me, what can you do, it’s just the reality of it.
Mc__ doesn’t like it, thinks they’ve done me wrong, thinks they’re acting completely inappropriately. But I see they won’t stop, the captain’s too desperate, which means Mc__ won’t win and is just making things worse for herself if she sticks to her guns.
Her and H__ deployed as the kind of soldier that never leaves the wire. When they came back state-side they didn’t take much time off between the deployment and work. I don’t have many options here, same as the captain. I’ll just have to take it. I remember all the soldiers who didn’t have the rights I have, who went straight from deployment to a job with no break in between. Suppose I’ll have to buck up.
The captain played his cards. He said -- without actually saying -- that if I didn’t come back soon, I wouldn’t be promoted. Unspoken-ly, I’m the Young Man at this workplace. Everyone has plans for me. I folded -- without actually saying. I promised the captain an official answer tomorrow.
The grand piano arrives tomorrow morning. My only big purchase post-deployment. It cost more than my jeep. I had to take a loan out to buy the jeep. I since paid it off. I paid for the grand piano in cash.
The salesperson kept referring to me as ‘such a young man,’ kept showing me older, used pianos, what he thought were reasonable prices for ‘such a young man.’ I got the piano I wanted.
The strings inside the piano have to be long enough so the sound is robust enough that the nuances and details of it can be heard and manipulated upon. Otherwise there’s no point in me trying to learn the more difficult pieces of music.
I brought a brand new one, because their sound was the best. The older ones’ notes had a flatter sound. It was a necessary purchase. When I play music, it forces my mind clear, forces my senses heightened, not a word in my head. Maybe I don’t get a bike trip, but I do get the piano.

__________