5

(Wednesday, 7JUL2010)

I sent J__ this text: _Hey, so I ve been on an adventure out of state for awhile, then this guy s family totally fell apart in front of me. I m about to drop him off at his new temporary home. Anyway I really do appreciate you and your family inviting me over on occasions._

What happened was Adam started explaining to me more and more about his situation, which pretty much added up to him being a pothead while growing up in the social services system, then thrown out into the world unprepared.
He sustained an attitude of being owed. Dolores was really a baby-mama who he married before deployment so they would get paid more plus the wife and baby would be covered medically.
The wife then spent all his money while he was deployed. They both desired being married and having a family to work within, but neither of them were grown enough to be part of a family.
An argument begins in front of me, and it all falls apart, the marriage supposedly over.

It was at this point that I missed you guys on broken sprits.com terribly.

We stayed at his other apartment for a little while, but since he had absolutely no money -- as in no groceries -- a new plan was made, in which he would stay with his best friend and drug dealer: Jimmy.

Jimmy was happy to have the company. Adam had been working on Jimmy as far as getting the quality of marijuana I wanted. He said it was going to take a couple of days for him to get that much.

I remembered pot-head culture from visiting A__ s apartment when I was first out on my own. I didn t like it then, and don t like it now. They just lay around. When I get high it s not like that.

While I was there I stayed high the whole time on marijuana, which was seamless as usual but required me to write a few notes, which I did into my cell phone so I d look somewhat normal.

_______________


(Into the cell phone, as strong memories arise)

I come from child molesters.

Dolores reminds me of a child molester.
The way she uses her son as a pawn, even using the way she raises him as collateral so Adam will be hurt by it.
She goes out of her way to make him a Mama s boy who whines and cries often because she knows it pisses Adam off.
On top of it she seems to enjoy having that much control of a little boy s universe, enjoys the sick relationship she and the boy have.

Mom liked little boys, R__ went along with it out of weakness. It wasn t that R__ was a good person, he just didn t have the balls to be bad person on his own.

A__ and H__ weren t innocent, didn t fight hard enough, so they never had anything to shift from or to.
It s always been just like this for them, just this real, no brave soul to protect them from the horrific.
I strongly suspect A__ is still into little boys. I don t know concerning H__, she s so Christian, she probably married something boy-like maturity-wise. Where does justice end? At H__ s tendencies?

Trevor wasn t family. That s when I started having sex soulfully, in the soul place. Then he died and I became just as bad as Them.

Hence I m overly sexual, and numbness and repression are the sword and shield.

The scenes where I m having sex with everyone I ve ever liked are how I felt at the time, but were soulless so I didn t do that in real life. They were soulless because I didn t want to be sexual, I didn t want to be a part of their world. My real life is my Real life.

I don t feel like a liar, those feelings I remember feeling weren t real because my soul wasn t a part of them.

Some have sex to get off. Others have sex as a physical ritual expressing what they do in the rest of their life. Hence what they did could never register as sex in my universe.

It s just a story, but it still feels so personal. It s hard to believe my perception of the story when their abusive version was so harsh, mean, humiliating, emasculating, but even as I remember it s like their insistence of those qualities didn t take. The abuse still wasn t strong enough, wasn t abusive enough.

The price of being Him or Her is the forgiveness of the others for not being Hims and Hers.

_____________


(written into the cell phone throughout the week in New Jersey)

Feelings aren t real. Only soulful ones are.

Numbness and feeling-too-much are the same.

Don t control your emotions by numbing them but by expressing them.
I had to learn How. And I couldn t in the House, because they would ve just become more attracted to me.

Be centered instead of co-dependent. Take charge of the emotions. Regulate your own emotions. Use the How to communicate more with your body, your lips, your eyes. Come back to life.

All this time I thought I would suddenly Begin to live with emotion, as if that were the goal. There s a miracle in remembering. All these emotions I ve already experienced before, already learned, all these stories already claimed.
It s as if there never was two worlds to shift between. Just the one, the two put together. Apollo remembering that all along he was Dionysius. Dionysius remember that all along he was Apollo. Neither missing out on anything.
All I did by not remembering was make myself powerful enough. Remembering the events turns out to be the same as remembering the emotions.

I have to finish off all the feelings. The numbness didn t let my soul connect with the feelings because I was living adult while still a little kid.
Feel, and feel the way you choose to feel about it: brave, strong, forgiving .. Finish off each new memory. Soulfully feel instead of just registering the mirage of feelings that House tried to inflict on you.

I didn t have enough How when I was little, but I got it done anyway. That s where the pain is, and that s where the innocence is. Who knew that innocence would be the most hurtful thing to feel.

Why did I leave the innocence feeling alone for so long? How could I ever have allowed myself to feel that truth in myself, after all that tumultuousness, all that Abuse?
I think to myself: how could my reactions not hint at my qualities? How can I not be my story? How can I not be weak when I ve been beat up so much?
But my reactions reflect innocence. The boy is holy. No matter what memory.

Trusting myself and feeling innocent is the same thing.

__________


The high made me learn this emotional spectrum: where in order to tolerate a lot of pain you have to tolerate a lesser definition of the word happy ..
The happier I am the more susceptible I am to pain. Happiness moves the tolerance point on the spectrum or scale -- therefore the more sensitive you are to it.
In another words, in order to experience great pain and great happiness, you have to have a great tolerance.

For example, as long as you re happy being alone, you can t feel the pain of loneliness. When you re one of two you can become owned by the pain of loneliness. Unless you re experienced, that is, and trust yourself to shift maturely.

It was as if being bipolar and still being able to sustain life cooly was the ultimate standard. Where I could feel intensely low when appropriate as well as intesely high when appropriate, even while in the throes of sheer chaos.

There s nothing wrong with being sensitive because it easily translates into being Aware.

The more a person can tolerate, the more aware they are, so trust is required to become safely more and more sensitive. Either trust in others or trust in yourself.

I choose trust in myself, otherwise I won t be the fittest. It used to be that women decided when I was fit enough, bad ones in the horrific, and good ones, starting with E__. I ve moved beyond sex as a physical concept. I grew up to be a soul, so I decide when I m fit, when I m expressing myself as Him instead of That.

__________