6

One of the hardest things to get was the idea that everyone IS truly happy all the time. They wanted to be this brave, this strong, this in trouble.
I wanted to live a Brave life, and would have, regardless, even if I had to create the circumstances on my own, in order to self-realize my Soul’s name.
Everyone want to be accomplished, to overcome certain obstacles they care about the most.

Every role is within each human being .. Every story.
The secret is to be all the roles. So that no one can pin you into a role, and you keep your freedom -- your Him or Her -- forever.

Every experience is equal in value. Like how blind men can more than hear.

There s no right or wrong, only qualities. The How is the holy part of yourself. The Wordless Universe.

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Sometimes when I m high, I think of it this way: My perception is as Him, the evolutionary winner. I m fighting with the other souls trying to turn out to BE. Time is just the battlefield.

I had to create my perspective from scratch, because I had no loving ones to create it for me. So I held the telling of the stories off, held the feeling of the stories off, simply held off for as long as I could.

Having the words is maturity for me. It was difficult to have the words for the horrific. I’m sure for some it’s the other way around, and maybe it was for me in a different life, the words coming easily, the How not so much. It’s the soulful translation required, that brings about the reckoning with the Soul.

I used to think only in poetry: in universal words where most of the meaning was wordless poetry -- because I could feel so strongly the wordless definition because June 1st had just happened.
Afterwards, I needed more words, more understanding, so I had to remember more and more sensitively.

This is the grown me, maturing like fine wine. I understand the boy completely, words or no words. I am the boy, and I remember the Difficulty, the mistakes, the humiliation, the pain, and I honor the fact that what s Difficult is Honorable.

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After all this, I guess the only way to see a person is to look in the person s eyes. That s the only thing closest to the truth. Everything else is dust.

The only way to communicate is with expression.
Expression is the only way to get close to a person.
Be yourself, express yourself at all times, regardless of whether you re alone or not. BE who you are. Wordlessly.
Or, if I were living the opposite life, with the opposite knack, I’d focus on articulating more,
I don’t know which life I happen to be living right now. Which knack I started out with, some complicated mixture of both.

The more people I have the ability to be close to -- as in a community s worth of people -- the more partners, the more a chance I have. In the end all that is required is confidence.

If I do the work of maturing, I will have the confidence.

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I watched the Bonnie Hunt Show and she talked about how she could never do her homework unless there was a TV on or the radio or something or both.
Actually the more chaos, the easier it was for her to do her homework. She said her mother could never understand that. But I get it, cause I m like that.
When you come from that much chaos, especially sharply-contrasting chaos, where you re getting it from all angles, from all the ends of the different spectrums, you adopt a universal way of perceiving the world, you adopt that attitude in your head. You become a Shifter.
When I learn, I need that same chaos around me so that what I m learning is speaking my language, going through my filter, being experienced Soulfully.

I listened to the This American Life episode called Testosterone. One of the narrators referred to the idea of being the voice in your head -- always separate from what s going on -- as a very Western Idea.
I know that that voice in my head is a culmination of Evolutionary properties and rules: like be brave, be strong, make everything to your advantage .. But I also know that I am the spirit experiencing all this, that I am Him. I am the one giving How to all the chaos I have to cooly make smooth.

I know How, and I remember how I learned How, I simply used to hate the idea of Remembering.

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Maybe what I m really doing with the writing is I m creating a role, one that this society hasn t had or accepted before: a Brave one, the one from Horrific.
If society had this role, it would show up regularly in movies, in sitcoms, in all American story telling.
Sometimes I will catch something close in a story: like Phoebe on the sitcom Friends. Joey was the jock, Chandler the every man, Ross the nerd, Courtney Cox was the responsible, smart one, Jennifer Aniston the cheerleader, and Phoebe -- the one from horrific, a story so sordid and untellable they just left it at that.

That s one reason why the classic result of someone coming from sexual abuse is that they grow up with no human connections. It s because society can t see them, doesn t recognize them, wouldn t know a person from horrific if it loaded a weapon and shot them in the face.

It s like watching that show Weeds. Each character is intended to come across as horrible at first, but due to the actor s How, the character s story is told, the character becomes charming to the audience. Their story now believable as Difficult instead of Wrong.

I feel the crime of having chosen the wrong role. I didn t choose it, society did, saying that I must be that role, because there was no other explanation. Societies have always been ignorant, that‘s their nature. I was the Brave One, and allowed them to think I was someone else, ruining all my relationships.

Thing is, I prefer certain roles. I like being a quiet person. I like that my body and movements and masculinity express the most. To me that language is truer in these times.

I can t learn everything from scratch every day, even though that would help me with that feeling of purity. Being in a role can feel constraining to the soul. At some point I have to allow myself to learn wordlessly, while trusting my same purity as Him.
I survived the House due to instincts and intuition, the wordless, evolution-oriented knowledge was my best thing then. I shouldn t be so afraid of it. Due to the tumultuous existence back then I understand the tendency.

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