23FEB2010 Morning.
Smoked some weed while the pills were still in me a bit.
I thought I was going to change into an adult and then have sex, but I’m the boy forever.
So the Soul place is the Boy place. All of life is one day, a Day one. There is no such thing as time.
When I was a boy I knew it without sex same as everyone.
I think for other people their crimes dictate how close they are to their own Day One.
With each crime comes a need to lie to themselves, a need to be on a trip, a need to be allowed.
I committed no crimes, I took on more abuse for Trevor.
Trevor loved me, not like El___, who was just a little girl sleeping with me; Trevor loved me enough to die for me. Trevor knew me as Him and only Him.
So how do you read people then? How do you know how much about them is pretend and how much real? By their mate.
Maybe in the end it’s just a fight. I think the truth isn’t decided, it’s fought over in the Soul place.
Mom fighting that her lie would be true. R__ fighting (raping) that his lie would be true. My sister’s bullying, fighting that their lies would be true. All this fighting happening in the Soul place. All these Soul fights. And me a boy, who had been so brave he leaped out of the Who Knows and took on a big shoot, cause he didn’t see the point of living any other way.
The reason for the great pain? Big D-cks can tame the worst of women. We have that power. We attract the worst the world has to offer.
It was all so impossible. Of course my brain couldn’t remember. My intellect wasn‘t developed far enough yet, so it all stayed on the other side of words, in the Real place, the Him place, the Soul place, the Boy place.
(It’s still day one.) I’ve known a long time the importance of endurance.
All you have to do is pretend like the rest do. Exactly, I’m not like them. Acting masculine isn’t pretending if you’re Real.
So you’re a drug addict. So be it. Trevor was right to get me drinking cough syrup so young.
I’ve been to Hell, and for someone to know me they must know that I’ve been to Hell.
They must be able to pick up on it, even if I don’t spell it out for them.
I’ve never let on about it before, in my manner or words. But now I don’t mind if people see it.
It doesn’t feel degrading or affecting to my identity. I’ve been to Hell and back. Maybe some have been deeper, but I’ve been deep enough.
Others have been to Heaven and have been brave enough to fight to stay there.
I’ve been to Hell and was brave enough to secure Heaven’s existence.
__________
23FEB2010, evening.
It was the choice that was the abuse, not the sex, (which technically felt good). It was his taking the Soul part away from me, the part that perceives His own Want and makes his choice.
I remember the scene in A Thousand Acres, when she realizes she’s simply been on a twenty year trip, which is over now.
She simply got into the car, and drove away.
I thought about doing the same, the logistics of it, where I would go, I thought about the mountains and its large bustling town not a few hours away. I could keep the war money as a savings account, work some menial job, live in an ordinary apartment, use a new name, with a new nickname, start over.
__________
(night of 23rd )
Thinking about K__ now, how we were insperable.
I don’t know why.
The friendship seems like a distant memory.
Thing is , He was my battle buddy for a year in Iraq When I think of K__, I feel ashamed. I feel like I proved myself to be a liar, and he caught me.
How could I ever explain this to K__?
Getting bored feeling like I should be working on remembering or something. What I want is the Soul Place. And the Him I want both. At the same time.
I want to be Holy Him while surrounded by the Holy Horrific.
__________
( next morning of the 24th)
Why is it moving so fast? Because it’s not just memories, it’s an adult, soulful story, so I had to be this age to remember like this.
I studied, that library in your head will sustain. A
Any compromises along the way like Trever really being his name are noted.
All I really remember of his name is Tre-. The name Trevor was simply the first name to come to mind.
__________
(coming off of high 24th FEB)
Maybe that’s K__’s pain. That he’s an alpha male, and therefore inherently alone.
An Alpha Male can handle his own privacy, no matter where it may take him, which means he can keep his own secrets, which is the crux of the loneliness.
Sometimes he will meet someone who seems to have just as many secrets, and a bond is formed, but these secrets are never talked about, though the yearning is there.
If I die I will go as my soul, and nothing less, so I will always be my soul, just in case.
__________
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