3

Life is always True. Just have to get the mind right.
No moments were lost, I was always Him. I am not my mind. All my mind was was pain. It wasn’t the Real part.
The Real part is what felt the pain.

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(watched _Precious_) I did that, in the House. I daydreamed away. As an adult I still have to break the habit, deal with Reality. As a kid it wasn’t even an option, the day dreams just happened. Strong, vivid, as if I had been beamed up to another Universe. They’d take me to a better place.
I used to look in the mirror and pretend I was somebody else, could see that other person just as clearly as Precious could.
_I believe some people came from a tunnel, and their only light in that tunnel was inside themselves,_ she said.
When I daydream I can’t feel my Value. I can’t feel it in my fingertips anymore.
I’ve done it all my life in order to go to sleep. It makes me live regular life as if it’s a daydream, where nothing’s Real.
Daydream and Real life are opposites, work in opposite ways, counteracting each other. In daydream I don’t have to feel anything physically, nothing in my fingertips, in Real life it’s required. In daydream it’s the story that’s important, that means something, like Precious being a Hollywood star instead of a girl being raped by her father, in Real life it’s what in those fingertips -- that Value -- that’s important.
When I feel that I have my own -- when I feel my Value -- sleeping without my mind wandering into a daydream is effortless, when I can’t feel it, I can’t fall asleep without a daydream.
The day dreams made time go by, made it fly by, like one of the online role playing games people play and never get out of their seats for so many months, turning fat and gross with weird rashes and bad skin.
The critics were unhappy about the director’s use of Precious’s daydreams. They felt the only reason he put them in the film was to show contrast. They seemed to have no idea that that’s what people do when they’re being Abused. That that’s why it was an important part of the movie, her choosing to look Reality head on.

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(overhearing Haw___ in the office, talking on the phone to a girl) I’d rather not have sex and be Real, than to have sex and not be. I’d rather be celibate than be like Haw___,
The other night K___ said that it’s only his girl that has these ideas of their permanence, of marriage and children. Just because she’s got herself thinking like that doesn’t mean he’s leading her on. He was always clear with her.
E___ lashed out at me once, in her kitchen, full of worldly objects, and bottles of wine you can’t buy stateside, and black and white photos that shouldn’t fit in a kitchen but do. She said I wasn’t allowed to be nice to women unless I was going to go all the way, to be nice to them meant I was leading them on. I needed to stay away from them, she said. Unfortunately, I believed her.

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I can feel the Hit.
I still catch myself bracing for it even now.
I can feel the hand swinging at me whenever I am Him.
The abuse runs deep.
I catch myself assuming I have no control of each situation.
The only thing I have control of is myself, so I change myself accordingly, instead.
When I stay Real, I run into that problem,
because I honestly didn’t know I could change the situation.
I didn’t know that I had power.

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Since K__’s arrival I’ve been trying to stay out of his hair, which doesn’t feel right. I’ve been keeping a close eye on things, trying to feel my way through.
He came back from a mission to FOB ____, with two bars of Dove soap sitting on the table for me, because he knew that’s all I could use and that I had run out.
I could still see the con man in him. I only really believe him when he looks me dead in the eye. He used to look me dead in the eye all the time. You attract to you who you are. I needed to believe him and he needed to be believed. That’s how a con game works.
K___ does treat me differently than others. We don’t talk sh-t to each other, don’t make fun of each other, except in the most friendliest of jests.
K__ and Mace__ meanwhile will go at it, cursing each other out for fun. Actually K___ does that to a lot of guys, playing around with them, sometimes afterwards telling me how much he dislikes that person and wishes they’d just go away.
Really, I just keep thinking I’m not good enough, so I’m always looking for the sign that K__ has wised up to the fact that I’m not good enough.
Distrust is like a never ending casino game. The signs are meaningless and the game never ends. I just keep thinking to myself, he bought me soap.
I realized how to deal with him, by accident. The secret is to always show up.
To never wait for K__ to make some sort of gesture that then makes me trust him enough to be myself, but instead to be myself, regardless.
Over time it grew into my becoming my own judge.
So far whenever I show up this way, all my dealings with K__ have gone seamlessly well.

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