5

1MAY2010

Distraction, listening to the radio, the news, etc. I used to want to be distracted so badly I fell right into their hands.
Now I want the opposite, because I have my own life, my own qualities, my own.
Now I notice that the whole homoerotic thing might be just something I do to stay distracted -- all of it was a good education, so at the moment I have no regrets, just a new context, a new comfort with the sexual acts I endured as a boy.
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5MAY2010
　
I red the book Sperm wars, trying to understand more concerning how I was having sex very early.
According to the book they tend to grow up to be bi-sexual because they are so much more experienced.
Child sexual abuse isn’t advantageous but there are advantages. For one, the suffering was redemptive -- it ensured my existence as Him.
I had a dream where I was a character in the show Parenthood except it wasn't a show it was real. I was a favorite of the kids, but my personality could be gruff. At one point in a low, sharp, gravelly voice I told the boy with assburgers disease: _Boy, if you don't get still.._ and he got still.

I understood the truth of the dream. I recognized how many of my qualities in the dream matched up with Je__'s, an old man I used to work with.
The person I have the most in common with is Je__. Of all people. Je__ was a horrible person. A strong manhood, but a terrible human being.
Maybe that's the reason for the tendency for femininity after male child sexual abuse: to learn the difference between a strong outward masculinity and a good soul (Him).
They are two separate things. That's why it's so easy to lie. Most people don't know that.
That's why Je__ thought he could get away with anything, his strong manhood made people think he was a true person.
Is it that easy? Can I really lie that well if I wanted to? Yes. That's how men have gotten away with so much in the past, including R__.
They could fix things, they had this masculine power others thought reflected a Naturalness and Trueness about them. I knew better. I wanted a harsh standard. I wanted the Real Him without the manhood and masculinity like R__ and Je__ had.
Shifting is learning. As you learn, the perception shifts - sometimes vividly.
So now I know how to learn. I didn't know how to before, so I was always taking notes, memorizing in a way, instead of shifting, because if I allowed myself to shift before I remembered, then maybe I would never remember.
Life is beginning to make so much sense now. I guess that's what it means to feel alive.
So culture shock is the same as shifting planes. I didn’t know that. I didn’t know everything was so physical.
Maybe the reason why I could only write and not learn was because the perception the Abuse wanted me to shift to was a lie.
Maybe that's why I attract people like K__ and W__. I forced myself to learn against all odds. They shifted perceptions and learned the world as natural as can be. I learned the hard way. I understood when someone was teaching a lie. They felt safe from that. Hence they have to check with me to make sure nothing they perceive was actually an old lie taught to them.
I'm over the fact that as a man I'll have many of the same qualities as R__, and hopefully I'll get over the same fact except in relation to Je__.
I learned about ions and fire. I was Wikipedia-ing things about my Jeep like fuel injection and PID. It's not how I thought it was. Fuel has a chemical reaction called combustion which only happens to be accompanied by heat. And if the reaction is strong enough there will be a side effect of light. I didn’t know fire was so indirect to what was actually happening.
That's fire.
It freaked me out a bit, made the world add up differently, made it more primal somehow. So that's how you shift without being high - by learning. So this is what learning meant all along. I don't have to get high and I can shift away, with hopefully my psyche still intact.

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6MAY2010

(After reading SugarCube): maybe it's okay to not actually remember some things, just to remember enough so you're not numb.
(in Mexican restaurant bathroom) Heart palpitations: That's the fourth time I've noticed it. It goes away when I'm myself. When I feel the need to interact - like right now at this workplace lunch -- they start up again. My heart beats wildly, not a strong thump thump thump but like half-beats, thu thu thu thu..
(drinking into the night) I love to sing. I didn’t know that before. My voice feels primal. I bet human beings learned to sing before they learned to speak.
To moan and grown and hum before they articulated words with their mouth and air and tongue.

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