3

I hear Mace___ laugh to himself. From is rack on the other side of the wall of lockers he says,
_It’s just like we’re in our rooms at FOB ___. Me going to sleep to the sound of you typing._
Turns out M___ had to go to the same FOB for training of his own. I had lied a bit and finagled us a proper chu, with beds, lockers, air conditioning, and everything.
_Well, I‘ll try to keep it down._
_I knew you were going to take it in a bad way, Chuck, but I really do mean it the good way._

__________

　
I remember my best days in the Army, back in Basic Training, and the Advanced Individual Training that would follow.
I was performing excellent, I was respected, well liked, I was doing well. It was because I believed, after all I’d been through I believed the Army was Real. Then I came back home to my reserve unit, and met my new Sergeants, and was disheartened. I started skipping out, I became a problem soldier -- I didn’t believe anymore.

__________

　
The awareness came back. I felt it the other night, as I was watching a movie on my laptop. _Volver_ starring Penelope Cruz.
I was trying to distract myself away from my life, I was zoned into the movie, until at a certain point I became aware of myself watching the movie, and I felt Him stirring beneath the surface.
The Him has been strong lately, and I’m beginning to feel back to my self again. I am still aware of the reasons for my distrust and insecurities, but I haven’t been insecure about them.
When I take off my gear and lie back after class, to relax, my head has been empty of words.

__________

　
I understand now that it’s a choice; a choice to believe.
K___ has that little going on. That little need for self reflection. His Quality, his power, his masculinity, is effortless. And it’s okay because his body never betrays him.
I think in others’ lives things just happen, they go with it (hold on), and things are generally okay.
In mine, something bad happened, things were not okay, and rolling with it -- holding on -- trusting -- was not okay.
The boy forfeited his power -- his Quality -- his Masculinity -- for his own safety, because it’s what those in the House wanted to F-ck.
I wonder now at the repercussions of such a choice. I’m twenty five and still not healed.
Waiting for His life to show up and then feel okay enough to be Him, is not how it works. It works the other way around.
I trusted them in that House, hence the boy believed them. I trusted A__, my first friend, not consciously realizing the Darkness.
When I feel distrust, I protect myself with anger. Hence I feel the anger first. Inexplicable, out of nowhere, and powerful.
It is trust that allows the power -- the Quality -- the Masculinity -- and distrust that blocks it. Trust in my self and also in others who treat me as if I am Good. For someone with my history, trust -- is a giant leap.
Being Him -- being Real -- requires me to trust my feelings. The sexual abuse, the verbal and physical abuse manipulated my thought, which created feeling, which -- because they were self created -- weren’t Real.
The problem with adult life is that I have to keep trying. While childhood is heavy and set in stone, my adult life insists on new experiences; it must be lived fresh, moment by fresh moment, otherwise it gets stale, and loses its power.
I combat the set-in-stone broken record of the House with these notes. Except I have to keep writing them, telling myself the opposite of the House’s broken record. It doesn’t make sense.
The reason the House seems set in stone is because I wasn’t matured back then, I didn’t know how arbitrary Moments can be. If I could feel the truth about Moments, the distrust would all wash away.
The problem with continuing to try is the risk of another bad experience, and how it will be added to the list that threaten my sense of my self -- my sense as Him.
I haven’t known much Good. I’ve known a lot of Bad.
To ‘try’ implies whole heartedness. That kind of trust is Difficult. I know that always, what’s Difficult is Honorable.
To be that honorable , in each and every moment, without waver -- that is Him.

__________