Shame,1

I have been reading articles recommended by Inner Barriers about shame, and they have been on my mind. They are written by Tony Schirtzinger, MSSW, CICSW, and the articles are about a year old.
He writes: _Shame is not the same as guilt. When we feel guilt, it's about something we did. When we feel shame, it's about who we are .. It also comes from severe physical discipline since each hit of the hand or fist or belt says to the child: You don't matter at all. Only what you do matters.
I have been told about the physical abuse I endured from R___ as a small child, but I remember little of that violence and wonder about its significance.
The words alpha male remind me of Mom‘s father. All his kids are screwed up due to his reign on their self esteem and psyche. The way he would compare them to others, their looks, their personalities, their lives. He insisted his daughters and son all be alpha women and men. It was as if he was in Nazi Germany deciding which Germans were of the correct value.
The alpha male idea seemed wrong due to its inherent stupidity. No one would have thought the dinosaurs would be the ones to go extinct; they were big and strong and powerful. The idea of an alpha male seemed wrong due to its unfairness. But nature is unfair, too. It’s why the physical world is beautiful -- it’s wildness.
I feel embarrassed when I think of how bold I’ve been, while knowing how much a mess I was. Once, when I was a teenager, I walked into a store and simply insisted on getting a job there; and it worked. I joined the military, unafraid, despite hardly being able to talk out loud. I made friends, I slept with girls. I laughed. I made myself and others happy.
There is a part of me that is alpha male. It has shown up many times before. I see it in Sch___ and K__ and Mace__, a seemingly unwarranted confidence.
It is that coolness in everything K__ does, and what makes Sch___ and Mace___’s coolness in everything they do seem confusing. It reminds me of the aggression of the House.
It is raw, primal power. It feels frightening because it’s neither good or bad. Without it I could never accomplish anything truly bad; without it I could never accomplish anything truly good.
Mine is a part of the boy, and his ways. It is underdeveloped, unfelt, unacknowledged. I wondered if the trigger I felt was from the pain and anger of being just as much an alpha male as anybody else while pretending not to be.
When we deployed, I came to a new company, in a new brigade. This unit’s home building was falling apart, a relic from World War II. They didn’t have good uniforms, they hardly had supplies.
They had good Sergeants, but shortly after we deployed most of them were promoted out. Out of necessity I had to take the lead, because even though we were an infantry unit, I worked logistics full time when not-deployed.
Logistics is a visible, important position in a small unit. I ran troops and logistics for a few months. I was assertive, in charge, and appreciated.
It was about that time when K__ started tagging along with me, hanging out with me. He seemed to have chosen me out of the others in our platoon as his battle buddy. I was in trouble back then, under a lot of pressure, and -- according to the soldiers in our company -- impressive, because the job was above my head and I was young to be in that position.
He helped me with the work and stuck by me when soldiers from another company in the battalion were improperly promoted past me. After those months were over, my alpha male qualities began to feel diminished, as if they were only required for tasks, not life.
Tony Schrtzinger’s articles on shame goes on:
_The amount of continuous pressure a deeply shamed person feels is immense. When they are doing well, they think it's only a matter of time before they are discovered as useless. When they make mistakes, they expect a terrifying
In my last unit W___ was my best friend there. He told me about another friend he had, a little, scrappy looking guy, whom few people liked, because he was sometimes selfish and difficult.
_But he didn’t care, you know.,_ W___ said, as we were riding in his car. _He never cares what anybody thinks. That’s what makes him cool, you know?_
K___ seems to like certain people for the same reason. I notice that about K___, and wonder what other people I don‘t like that K___ would like. He tells stories about ‘cool’ people, none of whom were popular in their units, mainly because they did whatever they wanted -- that whole Jack Nickolson in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest thing.
In W___‘s and K___‘s way of thinking, the more a mess the person is, and still an alpha dog, the more impressive the person is.
_Most people,_ the articles went on, _who are convinced they are worthless live out their lives trying to prove they DO have worth .. These are the people who are constantly worried about what you think of them, and who constantly think that you are judging them .. When you tell them they did a good job they feel good for a few minutes, but they soon feel worthless again (and think that you wouldn't like them if you _really_ knew them) .. To overcome shame, you need to learn that it's OK to be who you are. To get there, you must have and absorb deeply many separate moments of being accepted,
When I have that primal power, it’s usually out of necessity, or accident. When I have that primal power, I don’t feel shame. As a boy, I did this by pushing it away, by being numb; as an adult it is for different reasons, opposite reasons.
When I feel that primal power I know my skin is good, and my looks, and my manner; I know my lips are good, my touch. I know my life is good -- enough to share.
Everything I do, feels cool, because the power adds a quality behind it, which makes it cool. It feels dangerous, to feel good no matter what, even if you do bad -- and I have seen bad things done.
As a boy this power was frowned upon, and I frowned upon it, too, for my own reasons. As an adult I think this power is actually human dignity. I guess that’s why they call it Abuse.
I can’t seem to feel the shame, though I can feel its symptoms. I’ll go through a spell where I am sensitive to whether K___ judges me or not.
I am introverted because I’m looking for what‘s wrong with me, insisting to myself it must be there.
These old symptoms still sneak into my life, despite my knowing better. When I’m Him, I can feel the anger and pain along with all my memories. In it is my value.
It’s not so much I’ve realized my value, it’s like I’ve realized it was there all along, because the anger and pain was there all along. I don’t consciously feel my value, meanwhile I don’t consciously feel shame either. Maybe not feeling your value, is feeling shame.
It’s like there’s a broken record in my head that, when I’m not present and paying attention, will start playing again. Angelica has tried to make me aware of that before.
Like the mind is an arbitrary thing. Like the mind’s a tool, with a scale, and I choose, through experience, the part truest to the real me. Ego is on one end of the scale, childishness is on the other.
Lately, I’ve been feeling better. With all this extra gone, I feel lighter, I feel less -- not diminished, just simpler, more natural. degree of anger from the people they disappoint. Every act is a _test_ - and they are convinced that it's only a matter of time before they fail completely .. Like all of us, they have a deep need to be known and to be seen and to be recognized ‘for who I really am’ .. Since they actually believe they are worthless, they have a strong need to prove their worthlessness to everyone in their lives .. _loved, or valued. When people imply that you aren't valuable, they are wrong. You must learn how to throw away such comments immediately. (You know how angry you get when you are treated this way. This anger is your guide. It tells you that this person's opinion of you is worthless and can be thrown away without question.) .. Don't talk yourself out of it. Most compliments are honest. Even when someone is trying to manipulate you they say things they mean. Turn down the manipulation but accept the compliment._