Attraction always exists. Want always exists. The Soul of Sex (by Thomas Moore) taught that Want was the soul’s language. Hence Want is power. Hence when you turn off Want, you turn off your own power. Life is always moving forward, whether I like it or not.
I try not to be Him in order that my life won’t be Real, won’t move forward, in order to protect myself from Want. I’m afraid of my own soul.
What did I do that was so wrong? What R__ did was not my fault. What A___ did was not my fault. If anything, it reiterates the Him in me, the truth of its existence.
Ever since my sexuality began prematurely -- due to the sexual abuse -- the boy has been trying to turn it off, to get control of it, to reclaim his innocence.
I’m frightened that the definition of a woman includes those women in the House. Somewhere deep down I believe that all women have that perversion in somewhere in them. Somewhere deep down, due to coming from sexual abuse, and knowing the perversion so well, I believe I have it in me.
I can bear this world as long as I know that R__ was not a man, or a boy, and Mom, A__, and H___ were not women, were never girls, but something else, something UnReal.
When I feel this, at moments in the gym, or while on mission, or while working in my AO, or in sudden solitude at my rack, I can feel the switch to Him, and the instant sexuality.
I’m at a different FOB, and its full of women, as opposed to the all male environment of my own. All I see in the gym are bare legs, all I see in the chow hall are girls’ skin.
__________
I had to deal with some Arab mechanics the other day. They didn’t speak English very well. Whenever I have to deal with Arabs I always try to get it over with as soon as possible, because the situations can feel out of control and frustrating.
They pick up on my shortness of temper, and I feel bad for feeling the way I do. It’s because they surprise me. What I expected to be a simple task turns into something difficult, due to the language barrier.
Today the task lasted a little over an hour. When it was over I felt like I had failed my first test. If I naturally had my power about me, I wouldn’t have been surprised by the difficulty, and wouldn’t have gotten frustrated, stressed, and feeling like a failure.
__________
It’s like something in me steers me away from human connection and especially sex. Embrace it, I think to myself. You have no choice.
Even though you’re embracing feelings that you don’t want and know to be detrimental to your life. You have to embrace them to see through them to the other side.
Maybe on the other side is another memory.
__________
I snuck away from work and went to mine and K__’s room with nothing more in mind than to just stay genuine and wing it as far as reconciling us.
He was asleep and I just stood there, trying to think of something. I decided I’d have to write it down. I ended up taking a little green notebook and scribbling the note in big letters. Then I laid it on his bed and left.
In it I explained that I had things going on that had little to do him, but that sometimes I had to get away from him. I explained to him that sometimes an inexplicable anger will arise and I don’t know why.
I went back to work, managed to ward off anyone thinking I had snuck off, and waited to be released. When I came back the notebook was still untouched. I lay down, and shut my eyes. I heard K__ come in shortly after, and immediately heard what sounded like him throwing the notebook in the trash can.
My chest was pounding and I told myself, _So it goes, B._ I heard him getting his gear together, like he was about to go on mission. I head the snapping and zipping of pockets and equipment.
Then I heard silence, for a long time, my chest still pounding. I thought I might have heard the swish of a page turning. Finally he picked up his gear and left. After another twenty minutes I got the nerve to turn over and step out of my rack. The notebook was still on his bed and had been moved from where I had placed it. I slowly exhaled and wondered what would happen now.
I threw the notebook away.
__________
Where is Tolle’s Quality? I ask myself, as reminder, as I go through the days. I don’t have any. Yes you do.
(Thinking about A__ all the way through K__)
Everything always stays the same. Then change then, I think to myself, Change.
Change is possible -- that’s the biggest secret in life, I thought, as I remembered June 1st.
__________
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