3

17JUN2009
　
As I was on TOC guard duty, I tried to think of what to do about our deteriorating friendship. I decided to talk to him, and jotted down some of the points that had to be carefully brought up.
Went on mission with 2^nd. I was dismounted in the city a lot. In the truck P____ was getting on my nerves and I refused to let him ruin my experience of the mission. Years ago I did the same in NY with D__. I can do that, I have that power. I should be doing it all the time.
__________
　
18JUN2009
　
Talked to K____.
I told circles around the heart of what I was telling, wide circles at first -- talked about HQ PLT, and the people K____ hates, how they are caricatures of human beings instead of human beings, due to their Egos. Talked about Chi and all stories .. and Tolle and Eastern religion, and philosophies, and how it all adds up to human insecurity, something K____ should know none of -- I mean look at him ..
It began in the MWR. I told him about our argument in that bar at Orange Beach about Thoreau and how we turned out to be arguing the same two points as the greatest literary minds since Thoreau.
I told him we don’t really argue and we should. He laughed and said he couldn’t think of anything to argue about. So I began.
We walked back to the tent and by the time we got there I was at the part where K____ was in danger of being just like them, the people he hates and makes fun of .. I said there are two K___s, the Real one, and the Robot. The one who’s Real and the one who’s Ego, to the point where it’s like talking to anyone else in HQ platoon.
(I didn’t know he was getting high on the side.)
In our room now, I paused and began another story. Beginning with his weirdness when we played ping pong and I would win.
He said _I know I’m competitive._
_You know this already?_
__Yeah, Chuck. Do you know how many Nintendo remote controllers I’ve broken as a kid?_
A red flag went up in my head, but that one had to do with me.
What he said gave me relief and I talked more easily of how he seemed to underlying-ly compete with me over everything. To the point where I’ve stopped talking about working out, stopped talking about missions; have to pretend like I have no daily adventures, no stories, just so the friendship isn’t rocked. I said it was to the point I’d rather not be friends.
At this point K____ began. He said his competitiveness was only with sports. And that competitiveness wasn’t a bad thing. I said his competitiveness was erroneous. You should reckon with the sport, not the opponent, because the opponent means nothing. Too much has been stolen in the world – whole generations, whole cultures. Albert Einstein figured out the power of the sun. Who’s to say it wouldn’t have been figured out decades earlier someone of a different race. But imperialism and violence had stolen from them their entitled potential, had cut them off from any opportunity of exercising their genius.
Too much in the world has been stolen for him to think that by him beating an opponent it means he’s so good at the sport that he can then attach it to his sense of identity.
Life is too chaotic and unknown to supplement identity that way.
K____ tried to express that whenever he asked me about missions or working out or anything he was being genuine, not manipulatively trying to stay ahead of me. _I’m not looking for your name on trip tickets in the CP, making sure none of your missions were more interesting than mine._
I told him his competitiveness seemed to bleed into more than sports.
I left the angry parts out. Next time the subject comes up I’ll be angry enough to say things like:
Seems like you only have to be ahead of me, no body else, you only have to be better than me.