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12JUL2009

(watching Dexter)
Certain lines stick in my head, too many to write down. Dexter asks his girlfriend what her dream is, and it happens to be the same as his: _A normal life._
Dexter asks a numbed out teenager (Jeremy) in the police station: _Why did you do it?_
To feel something different, the kid replies.
Different from what? What do you normally feel?
Nothing. F-cking nothing at all! I hate every goddamn second of it. I can’t stand it. Living my life in my head .. No wonder I’ve felt so disconnected my entire life. If I did have emotions, I’d have to feel -- this.
The television show Dexter is so dead on, it’s like therapy for me.
I’m watching the episode with the therapist, where he allows himself to listen to his breathing, and allows the memories (loses control). Once he understands how to lose control, he has sex with her, and doesn’t freak her out like he did his past partners.
(watching Dex) He lives his whole life under the radar. His consciousness is strong. He was loved, so his confidence is strong. He gets away with staying under the radar because he’s good at faking it. .. And he’s good looking… He assumes his life is interesting, hence he’s telling about himself, narrating .. Is every life interesting? Just on its own? Of course ..
__________
　
13JUL2009

I asked K____ what made Dexter cool. _He lives his whole life under the radar,_ I said. Most would find that weird.
_It’s the second season,_ K____ said, laying on the bed, his hands behind his head. _It’s what he does. I mean he kills bad people._
_So it’s the Story?_ I said, disappointed.
_It’s what he does,_ he insisted. ..
K____ told me about a vague plan he has of renting a house in the mountains, rock climbing, mountain biking, and skiing everyday for six months after deployment .. Later in the day he seems to be trying to convince me to take six months off after deployment, to stop working and to be free.
__________
　
14JUL2009

K____’s mountain town idea stuck in my head all last night. The sheer freedom of it. To leave the life you’ve built and enter into one that doesn’t matter, except for the sheer in-the-moment enjoyment of it .. All day today I’ve had my mind on his idea, had my mind on the future, been unFocused, stories of what it might be like infiltrating my head.
When I get excited by the future I lose Focus, I lose myself .. What about the mountain town idea is so exciting? So much so that I can’t stop thinking about it.
It’s the sheer confidence of it. The _Into the Wild_ confidence. Where you feel no need to build a Western life, feel no need for a career, nothing superficial to supplement your identity. No past, no drama, no issues, none of that stuff, just a normal life. (I think I can have that here.) .
What’s exciting about the trip then is K____, and the booze, and the drugs, and the biking, and the climbing, and the skiing. Having a normal life.
(Dex) He can feel fear. He can feel numbness. He is aware. Always was. Always was alive. Harry felt that it would take time for Dexter to be happy. So he taught Dexter how to stall. He taught him to be fake.
Lately, it’s more and more in my mind: _Where are you?_ .. _Dex_ has been on my mind .. A lot has been on my mind, and yet I can still Focus. But by having those things on my mind I have a hard time being Focused with K____. I’m hearing myself think to myself: _Where are you?_