4

15JUL2009


Lately the world has a certain color I haven’t recognized. It seemed connected to my past, to my hopes, etc.
I couldn’t remember where the color came from, especially inside buildings, at night. This went on for weeks.
I kept thinking Washington D.C., about Madeline Albright, the memoir of hers I had read, trying to recognize the color.
Then, I remembered. The community college where I sat through Mom’s night classes when I was very little. It’s important somehow.
__________
　
16JUL2009
　
(At FOB ___ for a class)
(thinking about _Dex_ and how I can’t seem to Focus)
What I liked about Dex was how he could be so aware of his Numbness, that he could articulate it, tell the story, narrate the show.
In the show, that’s the exact voice-in-his-head he’s trying to get rid of, so he can feel alive.
He needs to articulate, and to be edgy, in order to sustain himself through the numbness, in order to make the numbness bearable.
If he lets go of both he starts to feel, which makes him whole again, full of infinite possibilities, his life more like a ride, one experience after another, which he can’t sustain, because there’s too much Bad around him, that kind of uncontrolled living could get him killed or worse.
What he wants is what I want. His reasons are my reasons. This is the truth.
For some reason watching _Dexter_ causes me to be more confident – my voice, my movements, suddenly stronger, clearer, in front of others.
There’s this reoccurring problem. This new Focus, the constant stream of free memory. I feel clearly how I could’ve been Focused this whole time, all those years, when I was little – it was my fault.
I was just a little boy. Numbness just happens in situations like that.
I now see my life as a journey. (Which seems conflicting to seeing my life as one moment, but isn’t.)
I missed out on the experience of being loved, cared for, a childhood. I did experience the Great Work of it, the Great Fight for Freedom, for a human life.