5

17JUL2009
　
When I look at my past Difficulties, from my birth on, they seem so ridiculous to me as an adult. Ridiculously easy.
I remember what it was like to be a boy, the whole world was representative. A mother that hated me meant something deep and profound, it had meaning, that in reality wasn’t there.
A father who tried to rape me, sisters who had no love for me, no concern, even though I was the only thing between them and rape, they could casually sell me off.
My world was small, like any other boy’s, representative to me of the whole world, it shaped my perception, it took from me Reality.
These moments after having watched that episode of Dexter where he tells Lila who she is – have been brutal. I feel soaked with sadness. It’s as if he told me who I was, in a spirit of meanness. Instead of saying the words: You are numb. He said: You are a sociopath. An unnatural entity that must be stricken from Nature.
I don’t understand how I can feel and not feel. Be numb and soaked with sadness. .. Oddly, through all this, the Awareness has been strong, where I remember Dex is just a tv show, and I know all my Difficulties and Reasons are just Story. It’s like the world is Bare.
I almost told K____ these things. I came that close .. I wanted to tell him how the XO was me, SGT B___, all the people he hated most, I was the worst of them all. Their numbness is only bone deep, them lost in their own egos. My numbness more eternal, soulful. It wasn’t a choice that I can un-choose now. It happened to me, and it seems there’s no going back.

__________

18JUL2009
　
(waking) Had dream where I was in Dexter, and was working with the cops like Dexter does, around the witnesses being questioned, on the trail, one scene after another.
At this one point, a black female security guard was being dealt with, she seemed unhappy. In the dream I suddenly I become Aware. I think to myself:
See, you’re choosing to be a witness, walking through scenes.
__________
　
19JUL2009
　
(morning, after workout and breakfast, getting ready for an AO shift)
The Abandoned school house and Gym in God’s Country is so close, Focus is always right there, but not the Knowledge.
Turns out the reason my Focus has been so inconsistent lately is because I’ve been exploring myself concerning the issues and points that _Dexter_ triggers in me. How could I have been the last to know?
I remember what it was like to be weird, to read the book on FBI profiling and my past matched the profile they were hunting.
I know the dark side, I know the constant need to be edgy, to do edgy, abnormal things .. I remember the cafe and its just-right mix that made me more alive. I was successful at what I was doing (poetry). I was reacted to warmly (I was attractive, newly muscular). And therefore confidant.
When I was in the House I had one experience, a border-line Dexter experience, when I was gone from there I had a different kind of experience. It’s hard to let them go, open myself up for the next experience.
There was a lot of pain, rooted in the idea that the experience was who I was, who I am, when that’s not true. An actor could play my life and prove it, he would be attractive, greeted warmly by the audience, good and skilled at his acting, and he could begin Good and Pure, then experience the Darkness of numbness, edginess, addictiveness, then experience the uncertainty, the erroneous apologetic-ness of recovery, of remembering, and still manage to be Good and Seamless the whole time, so that the audience roots for him, likes him.
I noticed last night when K____ and I ate chow, how he didn’t say anything at all as B___, Mace__, and F____ joked around. K____ doesn’t do well around other comedians, around other strong personalities. He has his faults just like me, and I’m just as Real as him.
When I look at him he seems so complete, even his freckles seem to belong where they are, even his faults fit. I’m complete, too. I’m pretty sure.
(later, as I’m working) It’s what I’ve become that causes the pain. I distract myself with a constant mental stream. I’m not who I would’ve been. I’m not my natural self.