4

10SEP2009
　
From Harry Potter 4: Ronald, making fun of a jock a girl he likes is being wooed by: _Too bad he has sawdust for brains._
Me, too, and it’s not bad. Not a thought in my head.
If I was a Boy, then so was R___. And so was Mom a Girl, as well as A___ and H___. I can see it now. Something even more subtle and mysterious than the Darkness.
In homoerotic sex there is no Mystery, which doesn’t hurt the sex, but it does make it entirely different, like on June 1^st.
L____burg still remains on my mind. Those days were charmed. My Good Year. SFC T___, W___, Forest__.
It is Difficult, even Frustrating, to be wholly Original. Now that I’m Boy, being holy original is simply required.
__________
　
14SEP2009

The House tries to make me feel like I have dishonored myself, that the Abuse I suffered did that to me, turned me into a dishonored person. So dishonorable that I do not deserve my name. It sneaks into my mind here and there, and I push it away.
__________
　
14/15SEP2009

(Ran laps on flight pad, under the stars, while waiting on convoy; first run in a long time, due to an injury. Running has always cleared my head. I miss it.)

Survival made me a Genius in the House. Same way hate does, and love. The sheer danger of it kept me sharp, in focus, my instincts and intuition Loud. This Genius was not me, it was not Him, and it ran me.
When I left the House, the Genius disappeared with the Danger. I began my new life without a clue. I felt slow and incompetent; confused that the competence I had once known and identified with was not me at all. All those traits were not mine but instead the natural posture of a person under siege.

My sisters and I were close -- or would've been, if we hadn't been born into Violence. We had compatible personalities, humor, and an ease with each other. The Violence forced us on to different paths.
I fought R__ off, they didn't. This put us in opposing positions. From a distance our relationships seem confusing. We couldn't help but simultaneously be each other's constant confidants and betrayers. (Frustrating dynamics...) It hurts that my sisters find me so dishonorable.

The Genius running me knew that the best way to be silent was to talk all the time. It knew the best way to lie was to always allow the other person to assume -- even encourage their erroneous assumptions.
These traits of mine would seem dishonorable taken out of the context of the Abuse of the House. I never found the Genius dishonorable, I found if knowing and frighteningly decisive. It made me afraid of myself, because doing Bad, even if the Bad isn't Wrong -- can make a child feel bad, feel dishonorable.

It bothers me sometimes my old tendency to want and need attention.

It makes sense that as I was not giving my own experience hardly any attention -- (for reasons of survival, I was numb) -- that such a tendency would manifest. It seems pathetic and dishonorable sometimes. But I was a kid, with very Adult things happening. Things only adults could wrap their brains around, not to mention do something about. What was a kid to do?

(In the LT's office.) I was being done wrong. It was making me angry though there was nothing that could be done about it. I handled it honorably, according to the words running through my head: just take it like a man just take it like a man just take it like a man ..

I took it like a man in the House. Whatever mental game they were playing that added up to my being dumb, I took like a man. I accepted I was dumb. Accepted that I was bad, accepted that I was less.

I even handled the injustices of the House like a man. Though they made me Angry. I stopped myself (most of the time) whenever I began to exhibit Aggressive, bullying qualities -- qualities like theirs. I sucked it up instead.

It was only when I got older and found I was numb to the bone that I balked at such behavior in the face of Abuse. So numb it was sucking my life lifeless.

.. It's hard to decipher what was dishonorable and what was honorable back in those days ..

It wouldn't have been like that if I had been an adult back then. Able to distinguish Bad from Wrong, Good from Right.

I recently had to read over my notes from about two years ago to present day (because a journal-like posting on bsn had been deleted). There were all these long passages where I tried unsuccessfully -- hence the lengths of the passages -- to blame myself for a lot of my tragedies and problems. Mainly because the passages made little sense -- and because they were inherently untrue -- I deleted them, cutting the bulk of the notes in half.

There's been this dishonorable/honorable(?) tendency where I needed it all to be my fault -- because at least then things made sense.

Ironically, everything suddenly makes sense, and I feel and sense my Life most clearly, when I accept the absolute senselessness of the Abuse in that House.