7

24JUL2009
　
I distract myself, in every moment. I know this.
What I didn’t know was that I in turn need to distract others the same way, so they (hopefully) won’t see how empty -- not-Real -- I am.
Mom was the one who told me I was not-real, by not allowing anything natural, anything genuine, anything not-controlled.

__________
　
25JUL2009
　
The numbness was first. I thought my own mind causes the numbness, but all that mental noise is the symptom.
I don’t have to think at work now. I don’t have to think in my life outside work. I’m that much closer.
Had a dream last night about her and R___ and the House, which hid all these secret rooms, each with a piano and 70s and 80s memorabilia. I played the piano.
(while working out with K____) I never have to think again.__________
　
30JUL2009

(finished inventorying BII with second platoon; started at 0500)
Yesterday morning K____ told me he had gained a lot of muscle weight since he’s been working out. _I weighed 191 pounds, holy shit,_ he said.
Instantly a downward spiral began concerning all the mental noise and my self-esteem, until I checked my own weight and saw I’d been gaining, too -- I’m at 185 pounds; only six short of his weight.
Then all the insecurity stopped, and I felt silly.
I felt ridiculous.