Lately, when I listen to the Woods brothers, I don’t need story. I can feel my own pain and the music is for the Real me.
A great deal of the pain is of Mom and her constant abuse, and all the pain since. The music used to have the power to pull me into Story and out of the real world. Now it also has the power to pull me into Reality. I hope the latter gains on the first.
(dismounted through Iraqi city)
Of all places I’ve been, this third world country is what reminds me the most of God‘s Country .. To have grown up in a foreign place, where everything is danger, danger seen everywhere ..
When I was a kid I was like a dismount in a violent, foreign country, not sure of anything, anything that moves, every sound, even the silence, every face, every vehicle, everything was read through those lenses: Danger ..
It was like being in a state of Braced.__________
01AUG2009
(on patrol)
She took my own intelligence from me. Making me believe it didn’t exist. I do a lot better when I shut the anxious mind off and listen to my own intelligence instead.
(K____ talking about fixing up old car)
He’s always saying he’s going to do something that everyone else wishes they would do, but never get around to actually doing. I do that too sometimes, just to pass the time. It’s like if I can make a very, very complete plan, it’s just as good as actually doing it.
(dealing with K____, and how intimidating he can be)
.. I’m one of the cool ones. Always was, really. I’m supposed to be representing, not reacting. I’m one of the cool ones, I’m one of the Real ones, and there’s plenty of room. This is normalcy. Everyone else already knows this, and wonders why one of the cool ones is reactive, reacting to the other cool ones as if he is not a part of that group .. I’m supposed to representing. Huh.
__________
02AUG2009
It was better today, having learned what I learned the last few days.
But also it was a very relaxed day, with a late night/early morning mission, then a shower, then to sleep. Intermittent conversations with K____ the only real events.
Sex has been present quite a bit. The main thing is the Reality of sex isn’t really about the other person. It’s about me. It’s about enjoying being alive, including enjoying my body.
Sexuality itself is not about her body in the way that I thought it was, intellectually. On June 1st this stuff was obvious, but mentally it seems impossible. It’s about me, and my body, and my power, and there is no other way. It has little to do with the partners, they can be completely interchangeable. Like what Tantra teaches, and the Hindus.
Words have crept into my mind, passing through, during the day: this idea of a ‘positive self image.’ So new-age and psycho-babbly. But I get what it’s saying.
I still identify with Pain, and have a hard time moving forward, especially now that the path forward is so much clearer. The clearer it is the more obvious that I hold back, giving the pain space to work itself out, then I step forward. Sounds innocent enough but somewhere in there is the not wanting to let go of the pain, as if I’m dishonoring it somehow.
Pain = Aggression.
If only the world didn’t have pain in it, lives would flow smoothly. Or at least if only pain could be felt in-the-moment, instead of guarded against. If only pain were an accepted, acknowledged part of life. If only I would accept it and acknowledge it in-the-moment, without Fear.
__________
03AUG2009
(out at ECP __ on four-hour night guard duty)
.. I always always start with what Mom said. That is always the beginning of my self-identity. I do it all the time. I actually believe her, as if I’m still that little kid. It’s over now ..
That’s why it’s important to have lovers; that person makes you see yourself more clearly, be Aware of yourself more clearly, like the Chik-fi-la girl ..
Right now, experience being a young man. Like the way it would’ve been experienced being a boy and an adolescent, if she hadn’t taken that away.
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