2

04AUG2009

(out on ECP __, doing the night shift)
.. It’s getting more and more obvious that it’s the situation that decides how I feel about myself. No more. Decisions I make create the same situation over and over -- a situation I think I deserve unless I change profoundly somehow ..
It’s also getting more and more obvious that I’ve been confusing K___’s good situations with his Qualities.
He was born into it same as I was. I do this with everyone .. I have the power to make myself feel good about myself: working on my car, working out, writing well. It’s Taking.
It’s something I learned a long time ago. That time around, it seemed so superficial. Material things like stories and relationships building my confidence.
On June 1^st its was clearer that I deserved all good things, regardless, so whether I won or lost, it didn’t matter.
I deserve Masculinity, I deserve good skills, sexual love, etc, etc. When I try to get these things it seems fruitless and awkward because I still believe Mom ..
.. K____ knows he deserves to win .. Whenever I try to be ‘good enough’ I’m being reactive to Mom ..
__________
　
05AUG2009

In _The Hours_ the director chooses to handle the scene between Meryl Streep and the visiting friend from San Fransisco this way: he has Meryl Steep way on the other side of a huge room, and the friends on the opposite side.
In the film it looks like they are conversing in a small kitchen, her on one side of the counter, preparing food, and him on the other side, by the refrigerator. In reality they are hundreds of feet apart. I know now why the director did this: so they would not be reactive to each others performances. He wanted them totally assertive, wholly Original.
What Mom created, that Ego that haunts me.
(watching the bonus features of _Breakfast Club_.) .. _these stereotypes are there because kids need a place to hide, they need to be their little box .. people relate to being marginalized, whether in school, or in relationships, in families .. _
I didn’t want anything to do with sex because I didn’t want to be a child sexual abuser like him (R___). I didn’t allow myself to trust I was Good, for fear I’d actually turn out like her (Mom), walking around, assuming she was good, oblivious to her true destructiveness .. That’s how the abusers turn their victim into them.
When I acknowledge that the abuse was Extreme, I feel normal, I feel all-stories .. When I pretend that the abuse wasn’t extreme -- in order to get that superficial feeling of a normal life -- I then have a penchant for feeling sorry for myself, and living in my head ..
.. (a strong feeling that all that’s left is for me to feel for myself. That that’s all that’s left.) ..
The Real story of the House isn’t the Story, but the Pain ..
And how do I feel Pain? How do I feel anything. I allow Anger, because it’s my Assertiveness.