3

06AUG2009
　
(Walking back from the GI Bill class) When I feel for myself, it’s impossible to be in my head. I’m just pure, raw, Him.
　
07AUG2009
　
(watching the film Doubt, starring Meryl Streep, trying to stop all the mental noise)
More and more it’s about self-esteem. It seems to begin with my looks, my sense of being good looking. Of course I’m good looking .. I’m alive, clean, and young. Is life so simple? All that’s in the way of my feeling for myself is my low self esteem. I use the idea that the story isn’t totally true in order to not feel it. I seem to use low self esteem to reiterate that. Really it’s them, R___, Mom, and my sisters, who it seems weren‘t sexually abused, who used the low self esteem to reiterate it. And we’re back to June 1^st and the word it kept insisting -- Injustice.
__________
　
08AUG2009

.. Take your time .. take your time ..(in my head all morning)
I taught myself to be in a hurry -- to be numb -- to get through the day -- same as I taught myself to make those lists. Anything to stay Focused on what had to be done, Focused on anything but the overwhelming truths of the situation I was in.
__________
　
09AUG2009
　
K____ telling story and it getting to me -- (about his past girlfriends, sex, etc.) (Mi___ and her sitcom-like-family) -- all the Loss.
I felt it (for Real) as I showered. No Story in my mind to ease it. It felt right. It felt like a dumbing down of life in a good way. Frightened me.
It isn’t the contrast that hurts. Who knows if I would’ve had any similar stories to K____’s.
It’s the ‘who knows’ part. K____ made choices, lived, his life. Mine happened to me .. Them having Owned me .. That’s the pain. Maybe the worst pain.

All these supposed personality traits they were just trauma. And me forcing myself to be a silent person, it was just an attempt at having some say in the moment. Some say of something of a choice, some control of some kind. Something, anything, while my moments were being owned by others ..
All the time in my mind: .. and how do you feel? How do you feel?
__________
　
10AUG2009
　
Since I deserve happiness, since this is assumed, it means that when I make myself happy it’s not make-believe-happiness, it’s Real. I’ve been afraid of make-believe-happiness because of the way they rationalized their actions in the House.

Never compromise. Always use your Real voice, your Real posture, your Real emotions, your Real thoughts. Always Be your True self. Never compromise.
I would say it to their faces. I would say it to his face. (R___) I would say it to her face. (Mom) These sexual acts, these instances of almost rape, if I wasn’t there God only knows what would’ve happened, how far it would’ve gone.
Why did Nature force me to love them so unconditionally? That love got all in the way. I know I was just a little boy ..
I’m an adult now, not a child facing a mob of adults. I don’t have to hold back. I can articulate now, instead of just feel. I can take action now.
It seemed so inappropriate, to break from your family, to step outside it, and blow the whistle. Back then in America a child doing that was even worse that his Abusers.
Live from the inside out, because turns out, that’s where the world is. The outside -- just Dust.
(morning. the chaos of S4, not knowing what to concentrate on.)
.. The only way to handle this is to go inside, and feel what you feel, notice what you notice. Focus on you and you’ll know the rest ..
.. Feeling from the inside out, feeling for myself -- that’s where the Realness is .. Now that I know the story is true, I can allow myself to feel it .. I first contemplated suicide when I was seven. I fought off rape from R___, I was whooped on everyday until numbed out by Mom. My sisters accepted what they taught, then reiterated it. I come from extreme violence and abuse. I lost my memory around the age of twelve. I was haunted by intense nightmares through my upper teens. I remembered again after the age of twenty one.