K____ always enters a new situation Power first. I rarely do. At _____town I did. But usually I hold back .. thinking it’s rude or immoral to show your power to new people, to strangers. As if my power has to be Allowed ..
(looking in mirror, shirtless, wondering .. )
(noticing lately that K____ steals looks at me just as much as I do him)
He’s always asking how to get abs. He’s always joking about my abs.
_I could have little arms and a nice six pack and I’d be good,_ he says. _I think it’s amazing people who have abs._ He’s also always asking how to get big biceps and triceps. I have great arms, according to him.
K____’s body-type is the opposite of mine, and mine the opposite of his, and at times it makes us both uncomfortable. I can bench more but he has the better chest. He can curl more but I have the bigger biceps.
.. I’m in the best shape of my life. I’m a little stunned. I look like that life guard at the hotel at Camp P___. I can’t believe I got exactly what I wanted, especially since so much of it is decided by genetics .. It gives me more respect for my body.__________
14AUG2009
(how do you feel?)
The beginning is to acknowledge the repression.
To be present with it.
Next is to let down defenses, to stop trying to see ahead with intellect.
(On TV as I walked into the S4 main room)
_You’d almost have to be a sociopath to live the double life he lived._ -- clip of a BBC world news program describing the big finance criminal Madoff ..
Sexual abuse forces the double life on the child, who then develops numbness, etc. The child isn’t born inhuman.
__________
16AUG2009
It’s simple really, my over all distrust of people causes people to distrust me.
All around me are people who kindly screw each other over, like 1SG and CPT , especially. They all act like buddies yet they’re more like enemies.
According to El___, SFC T____ does the same but isn’t buddy-buddy, but very direct instead. He’s like me, I’m like him. Strange this connection so many years later. SFC L___ is similar to both me and SFC T____.
The three of us are outsiders. T____ self awaringly black. SFC L____ self awareingly Native. Then there’s me. There is a barrier. No matter how much we say out loud, we will not be understood. So f-ck them. (Right?)
Somehow it seems self-destructive. There’s some sort of hate implied and I know that having Aggression is detrimental to its owner.
(so how do you feel?) I feel the hate .. Okay I can do that.I’m not skilled at passive aggression because I actually don’t want to be that way. I wish I could say things out loud. Face to face, and not be seen as crazy. So I’m not engaged in the aggression. I don’t accept it. I don’t accept such behavior being forced on me. It must be much worse for people of other races. I have to accept it in order to move on.
I have terrible communication skills. I have terrible communication with myself.
I think the two are related.
Feels like my whole life has been about hiding, about controlling facial expressions, etc. Old ways die hard. I don’t open up well, so afraid of what people might see. Insecurities, defensive walls, are inherently dishonest, inherently Difficult to deal with.
From _Breaking Bad_: ‘The worst thing you can do is shut me out._ -- his wife.
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