5

17AUG2009
　
Haven’t slept really in three nights, wondering what I should do.
The mental noise -- the Roaring -- has been strong and increasing in pitch .. Late in the day the only fix was the easiest thing to do in the world -- all stories, and Wildness. It was like all I had to do was brush the Roaring away and it was gone. It seems ironic that the easy way is the truest way. I guess what is Natural would be easiest.
__________
　
18AUG2009
　
There is conflict inside of me, seems like their always is. The way LT uses his rank, his education, etc, as reflections of character, in order that people will like him, I do that, too.
I use my actions, my trustworthiness, my listening abilities, my generosity -- and not my true self, my true Assertiveness -- in order that people will like me and never look at my true self, my true Assertiveness.
It’s because I’m afraid my true self won’t be enough. Confident people put little emphasis on such actions, because they’re already confident, already liked just for who they are. The difference seems obvious. Some people were loved just for who they were, and others -- like me -- weren’t.
__________
　
19AUG2009
　
_What’s the point?_ keeps haunting me. It has most of my life. I understand it now.
When people (especially closest family) only like or love you according to bullet points, the truest reaction for a kid to have is to throw up his hands. What’s the point of doing well if the love you receive isn’t real love.
I can never leave the House. The line I drew between it and the Real world was ni_eve.
Hence the erroneous lessons I learned in the House have bled into my life in the Real World. The behavior I exhibited there bled too, etc., etc.
Innocence lost but not the Natural Wildness.
__________
　
21AUG2009
　
(Reading book on NY Times family)
Reading a book about a family and subsequent families can be painful -- to know that no one worries for me, on one cries for me if something were to happen here.
Not having that love intensifies Self love, and I actually prefer it. It’s sexier, more powerful, Earthier, more Wild. With each example of my lack of being love, there isn’t pain anymore, only more intensified self love. I guess it makes sense. As I understand it all actions, choices, and behavior are decided by love, or lack thereof.
(reading NY Times book) It’s normal for daughters to have crushes on their fathers or older brothers. Without R___’s crimes maybe I wouldn’t have been all that affected by A____ and H____’s watching me. I don’t know .. At least it doesn’t bother me now. R___ turned everything innocent dirty.
I have no family; I have no audience. It adds as answer to the what’s-the-point question. When no one’s ever watching it allows a dangerous kind of freedom -- one rife with easy indignities.