(watching “Into the Wild_, Catherine Keener and Supertramp)
I can see now how it could’ve been true, what Mom said, that that day me and Mom shopped for her Christmas present was one of the most fun of her life .. I just couldn’t forgive myself at the time for being nice to people who were so Bad to me.
__________
23AUG2009
It is totally inappropriate to be anything other than confidant.
Confidence is your movements, your thoughts, your emotions. Without it you can’t function, you can’t be natural.
In the NY Times book, the children of these principal players are shocked that their parents have insecurities that hold them back, that mute them; the children want to scream at them, because they see right through what the adults are haunted by.
__________
24AUG2009
(working out with K____ and S____ since K____ is on QRF and is on lock down)
When S____ is around, he tries to talk to me but I’m muted. I’m intimidated by a third person. K____ is never intimidated, he’s always open, never muted.
__________
26AUG2009
Not blaming myself for everything that happened in the House would be a good start to trusting myself.
So much there happened to me, the shame I feel over it is ridiculous. But of course it’s okay to feel what I feel, only I remain aware of the truth.
__________
28AUG2009
(sitting in hmmwv at SRO yard, waiting for the Arabs to finish unloading beds)
The person K____ was in June -- unopen -- is the person I tend to be.
And the person I accused him of being -- Aggressivley competitive -- is the person I most hate about myself.
It has to do with my not being open. (All the walls.)
One reason I’m a bad communicator is that I’m a bad self-listener -- so self defensive, self protective, like H____, like J____. I thought that it was my Voice that would set me Free, but actually my Listening has the same power, requires the same genuine-ness, the same Realness, vulnerability.
In order to be open I have to trust myself, that my inherent all-stories backed value, which is Difficult when your body seems to betray you in its lack of ease of performance.
In the House any such difficulties meant I was Less, so my reaction was to back off, pull away, so my Less-ness wouldn’t be so obvious. But the truth is, it turns out, was that the word Difficult had a whole other definition.
As I become more aware of my own somewhat dilapidated-version of masculinity, I’m also becoming more aware of the sorry form of masculinity in the culture around me. Grown men saying ‘bitch’ all the time.
The humility and especially soulful maturity that Listening requires gives me pause and motivates me to keep on.
S____ joined me and K____ at the gym. He treated me in this condescending manner I didn’t like, so I disconnected from K___, worked out on my own, then left, while making it seem as normal as possible.
It hurts a lot when a third person comes in and is friends with K____. I hate that it hurts a lot, but that’s just how it is.
It’s Muc__’s and S____’s Ease that hurts. I have to try so hard. It’s also K____’s ease that hurts. I was the only person in HQ platoon that K____ liked -- but there’s quite a few people in his new platoon that he can tolerate, so it’s different now. His treatment of me wasn’t just mine, it’s for all the people he likes.
On June 1st I knew I liked everyone, because the people I don’t like can always wake up tomorrow and decide to not be that way any more.
I used to treat everyone consistently, same as K____ does. Back at the café.
And in my close relationships I wasn’t co-dependant, I had the tendency to be co-dependant, but after June 1st the tendency seemed gone.
I try not to connect. For fear it will be like the House. Meanwhile I’m so lonely that when I do connect it means so much to me that it naturally turns into codependency.
Becoming Aware of this has somehow resolved it for me, and when I went to shower K____ was there and we talked a long while.
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