7

29AUG2009
　
K____ has an idea of himself, and everything he does stems from that. I don’t have an idea of myself. At least, I don’t have one that’s not mental.
I have the idea that the House taught me. And I have the truth I’ve learned along the way. I’ve thought about making each into a list.
When I wake in the morning I always just generically take on the House’s list as my identity, especially when I wake from nightmares; then I wonder why I’m numb all the time.
But if I were to wake up and then read the other list, maybe ..
Sometimes I think about how A____ and H____ would try to destroy the life I have now. How they would first go after K____, and how they might actually succeed. Why? Why are they like that?
(H___ found me online recently) (I answered, carefully) ..
To know the Insanity .. it makes a person into a Real human being. To recognize Insanity once, opens the individual’s world up, the person can now see the Insanity all around him, now that he knows such a thing exists.
(How obvious her messages were; laced with Insanity and meanness, while all the while so perky and full of smiling faces.)
I feel like SFC L__ and SFC T___, I feel like the gay brother in _Six Feet Under_ when he goes to the prison to talk to his attacker. All you can do is walk away.
Whenever I deal with my family, even think about them, I always have strong nightmares for awhile.
I don’t assume my own aliveness, my own self, my own masculine behavior. Meanwhile I do it for everyone else. Even for the other masculine names on broken spirits. I just give that to them, their entitlement as a human being.
I don’t do this for myself because none of my family did, none of the ones in the House. I thought them so convincing, they did it so effortlessly. I didn’t know they were lying, that they were just being mean.
It still hurts that people could have it in themselves to do that, to hate so thoroughly, to be such geniuses at it. I did nothing wrong. I was a little boy.
Co dependency isn’t just concerning relationships with people. It’s really about the relationship with Life. The interpretation of Events, happenings, etc.
Some people interpret everything in a positive light, some in a negative light; the correct way is in no light at all, the world is not to be interpreted, just translated best you can, for the time being, as life necessitates.
Realizing the Insanity -- yet again -- has brought me back, and I can feel again. Hopefully it will last awhile.
Watched _Hitman_ and somehow this not exactly great movie has had an affect on me.
Timothy Olyphant is the lead actor and he looks like me. He lacks a normal past, doesn’t even know what to do with women, can’t hardly hold a normal conversation. He finds himself reading lifestyle magazines for tips on how to work through these issues. He’s a mess, knowing little about how to be funny, personable, how to make it in this other world.
In one scene he is taking a shower and as he runs water over his head -- over the barcode -- he remembers his horrific past, acknowledges his past, and the pain in his eyes is genuine, masculine.
He’s sexy and the director capitalizes on it. It gives me a greater respect for my body, my mannerisms, etc. I watch the film a lot, I guess to remind myself of something important.
For someone so caught up on all stories .. I still find relief relating to people who have my own .. It’s okay to be socially awkward -- it’s not too humiliating -- and it’s okay to be somewhat virginal, the story of Hitman is actually seen as very cool. Even the story of the girl is like mine -- a horrific past in the international sex trade industry -- and is seen as cool by many in the young American audience.