Maybe

At my first stop, I intended to check my email but immediately felt the need to look Tank and Jon up on face book.
J___’s daughter, Br__ -- (J__ is the guy the Army accidentally thinks is my father) -- has been emailing more and more comprehensively about her situation, her family, etc.
She regularly sends me packages. When I get home it’s obvious we will be good friends.
Already I felt the fear and suspicion that she could be looking for a sexual relationship. The fear that I won’t be able stop it when the time comes. The fear that I won’t have a choice.
It was a strong feeling. I wondered how far R__ really got with me. I fought him off in the blue mustang, but maybe I repressed the rest.

__________

　
I stepped into a temporary quarters they had at an air base and saw a familiar face. I said hi as I shuffled to a cot with my gear on and my duffle digging into my shoulders.
_How was _____?_ Co__ asked with his New York accent.
_Man, it might have been the most fun I’ve had in my life._
_Of your life?_ Co___ said, with an inquisitive cock of his head and a furrowed fore head.
It occurred to me maybe I shouldn’t say that to people with normal pasts.
_Yeah, well, you know, I’ve had a shitty life,_ I replied, making him chuckle, and the conversation moved on to something else.

__________

　
I continued to run into familiar faces. Most of the time I would’ve kept it short but since I now believed myself to be normal I allowed them to treat me well.
I believed them as they came running up to greet me and stayed to make conversation. One was W___, my old battle buddy from my last unit.
A few hours later we ended up on the same truck on the convoy to our home FOB. We talked the whole way back.
He said when we get back to the states he was going to concentrate on being the best cop ever. I told him I was going to concentrate on being the best student.
_It’s a little nerve racking,_ I said. _I’m going to go to a community college for a few semesters -- do well -- where hopefully no one will ask any questions -- then move on to university. All I have to do to get away with it is to just fit in -- though the last time I was in school was sixth grade. _
_You never did tell me how that happened,_ he said.
_I had to tell my story at _____ -- more than I told you even -- because everyone else was telling their’s.
One of the guys said, ‘but you’re so normal.’ It meant a lot because I had such a hard time when I first got out of that place._
_I know you did,_ W___ said softly, genuinely, reminding me that he was there for some of it.
There was a pause, like we were both remembering our old closeness.

__________

　
When I stepped into to K__ and mine s room at FOB ___, I saw his area remained untouched by his recent presence.
Mace___ scuffled a bit on the other side of the wall, then appeared out of the darkness yawning and rubbing his eyes. _Wanna smoke a cigarette?_ he asked sleepily.

Outside on the bench he asked how my pass went and I told him the logistics of the trip: both journeys, the beach, the water sports, the city tour.
I wanted to explain to him that I came from extreme child abuse, that everything normal was extraordinary to me and that everything abnormal routine.
I knew that telling someone with a normal past about extraordinarily normal moments would be extraordinarily boring to that person, so I didn t have a whole lot to say.
I asked him what had been going on in my absence way out here in the desert.

_Rain,_ he said.

__________


I layed low and my superiors never figured out I was back from pass so I managed two more days off.
Mace___ thought this was incredibly ballsy and hilarious. We watched a movie together, Anchorman with Will Ferrel.
Mace___ and I always seem to be play fighting, throwing things over the wall trying to hit each other, basically like little kids.
This time, as he was trying to take me down, I took a deep breath and felt the power in my limbs.
I floored him. It s never been like that before.

__________


(reading back over old notes)
I keep trying to do this on my own.
Like one of those fatal flaws in the characters of Western Literature.

__________


Ka___ found me on face book and sent a friend request. I was surprised because out of the two girls she was the most attractive, plus I didn t think she knew my name.

_ .. I was happy with all of you being normal hah._ her attached message said, _It's gotten funny now while you guys aren't around. The pick up lines people use are AMAZINGGGG._

She used the word, on her own, with no provocation.
Normal.

__________


Through a clever twist of events, I managed two more days off.
Mace__ bout fell out when I told him.
_Man, I thought I was a good shammer,_ he said, laughing. Then he bent low with his hands pressed together. _You have surpassed the Master, young grasshopper._

We watched Pulp Fiction. During the day I felt more in my body. When I watched movies or came across romantic storylines, I felt that they're about me.
I'm that eligible guy.
I'm that guy I would've been, big bad past or not.

__________


I've been dreaming about women. I was secretly glad K__ was still gone on leave so he couldn't see me thrashing around in my sleep.

Maybe things will last.

__________