2

The next night we played ping pong. Before, I usually played reactively. I only did what I had to do to survive, not to win. Suddenly it made me angry. The anger improved my game. I beat K__ three times, I came within two points to beating the guy who always beats him. I wanted K__ to understand I wasn‘t second rate.
After the other players had left, K___ and I kept playing. One game after another. I won twice, but he won the rest. I insisted on winning another time. There was hardly a second between each game, because I simply said ‘Ping for it?’ and served. At one point we lost track of score and K__ said, _Wait, wait, what’s the score? Seven to --_
_That’s fine,_ I said, and served.
_Wait, so the score, is --_
_Fine, that’s the score,_ and I tried to serve again.
_No, I’m serious._
_Okay, that score’s fine._
_But I didn’t say the score._ And he grabs the ball. _So it’s .._ he said, questioningly.
_Whatever. Play._
_It’s seven to nine._
_Okay, serve._
At that point my anger wasn’t power anymore. It was aggression and obvious, and seemed to be directed at K___. We played in silence, one game after the other, for an hour.
Finally I saw my anger was making my playing worse, and I called it. _I got to go meet the convoy,_ I said, and quickly left.
I’m frustratingly afraid of my anger. Because it’s ENORMOUS. Hence, I’m afraid of my power, because it has the possibility of being so AGGRESSIVE.
I felt like shit. I took a shower and got into my rack. I confuse anger with indignity. I confuse Power with Abuse. Because of it, I do everything half heartedly, without my power, even laying here, I’m not present.
I didn’t want to be powerful like them in the House. I have power when I’m alone, it’s easy when I’m alone. When I allow the power around others, it begins naturally, but inevitably it feels on the road to aggression.
It’s like that, because when it feel like that, I then make it into that. Then I feel silly, feeling angry instead of powerful, angry at nothing.
Just come back, I say to myself, just come back. Get out of your head, and into your bones, where He is, and feel, and sort this out, cause I’m tired of feeling like shit, and acting like shit.