7

10AUG2008

F___ is insane. He is manipulative. Always saying he used to be a drug addict. Right, used to.’
And it’s mean. It’s mean to be that nice and that manipulative. And all I can do is drop him, like I never knew him.
Whenever he calls me weird or crazy it’s because he has nothing to work with as far as his manipulating me, so he dismisses it, hoping I will dismiss those qualities of myself also. A__ and H__ did that.
F___ tells his stories manipulatively. He tells them with a positive light on himself always. He is his story, but most are, nowadays.
When you are your story -- since stories are impossible to be true -- you are lying, anyway, so why not be self-serving. I used to mistake this for F____s amazing confidence.
Iyanla Vanzaant said: _You attract to you who you are. You attract to you who you are. Always. _ I used to be my story. I used to be the words in my head; the words the House’s Horrificness scarred into my mind.
__________
　
24AUG2008
　
Woke from dream where they were doing deployment in processing at Fort _____, but it was also the house, and also a creepy one strip town running along lake. I was under Mom’s bondage. I didn’t feel normal as I went through the in processing, seeing the other soldiers as the _normal_ ones.
I saw F__ sitting on the back of a truck, and I cringed at how good looking and normal he seemed. He gave me that look of hate, just like in another dream, as the truck drove away.
He was sitting on the truck with a bunch of other cool kids and nice-looking girls, like a scene from 90210. I kept looking around for a way to escape, I wanted to swim across the lake.
I woke up.
__________
　
You be cool. Now that the guilt is discredited, there is no reason for you not to be yourself. Remember the tragedy that has your life this way and never feel that it is your fault or a judgment.
__________
　
I have a problem with kindness. I go straight to sex.
I don’t seem to believe there is any such thing as platonic kindness.