Last December I had a two-week class out-of-state, in Arkansas. There I did well, naturally fitting-in even though I wasn't trying to superficially. I was attractive enough to attract girls .. actually, the most attractive girl, a blonde girl.
None of this used to be the case. When I was little I was 'slow' and couldn’t keep up with the other kids. When I was a teenager I had really messed up teeth and was very quiet, not wanting to show them and experience the look of surprise on the other person's face.
Once, when I was fifteen, I did go to drivers-ed at the local high school in the evenings for a few weeks. Whenever I sat down all these girls would purposefully fill the seats at my table.
I was careful to not speak, so they would not see my teeth. Still, I liked it. A__, who was also taking the class, called me a Wh_ore, and then told Mom and H__, who also called me a Wh_ore.
At the month-long class I've just finished, I was also pretty popular. I never heard a cross word about myself and didn't make any enemies. I was invited to a lot of places by different people and cliques; and later in the month, when usually people start getting on each others' nerves, I was exempted from that.
I noticed these things. I noticed that there were people in our class who were very quiet, seemingly unapproachable, and who didn't go out a lot.
I noticed also that there were many people of higher ranks than me who were not quiet or unsociable, and were making obvious mistakes in their treatment of Life, and were in their own way, and were therefore making unnecessary enemies.
I used to be of the first group, then of the latter, for difficult reasons, and am not anymore.
I'm home from the month-long class. My friends from that class have insisted that I continue to at least text them at least once a week. It used to be when you went for training you met all these soldiers, then they became your friends, then brothers, then the training was over, and the military split us all up, and you never heard from each other again.
These friends have insisted that I get out more. So I have decided to go out tonight, by myself, since things have changed.
I wrote this note before I left for class a month ago and came across it when I got home yesterday: _All this time I thought I was working for a better future, a better life. And I guess I was, in a way. Really I was working so one day I would be able to claim the moment back and be able to hold on to it .. Not be numbed out by the pain of it, the difficulty of it .._
I live out in the middle of nowhere and don't know many people here because I recently moved here for a job. I'm just going to go to this local bar/club/restaurant and watch the game. I guess that counts.
I'm not going out in a superficial attempt at anything. There's no need to be a homebody anymore. I'm not an unnaturally quiet person anymore, I'm not numbed out anymore, I can keep myself out of trouble now, there's no need to avoid those situations anymore.
At class, the person who triggered me the most was this girl named J______. She was the hottest white girl in our class. She came from abuse. I know this because my best friend there, Rodriguez, was her main interest, though in the end she was a tease.
I could've told him that, and actually did, but he didn't understand what words like detached or numb meant. She was hot. But her obvious detachment and numbness were a turn off for me. She compensated for this low-self esteem by being kind of 'cheap' in her behavior.
I knew she wasn't a true sexual girl -- a girl who just genuinely likes sex. You could tell she was 'virginal' that she was inexperienced with sex. So her behavior was obviously a front. This kind of girl is called a tease. Unfortunately for my friend all this was only obvious to me.
The reason she was such a trigger was because we have a lot in common. Namely, whenever I feel intimidated, my behavior becomes cheapened, as compensation for that, I want people to like me more than I want me to like myself, etc.
When I go out tonight I'm going to be careful not to be like that. I'm going to give it a try, I won't be intimidated by it, will be text-ing my friends while I'm there, and will check back in when I get back. I'm going to take a shower now, and choose something to wear.
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