6

29MAY2008

All these years as I've been around guy-friends my own age, I think: thank god the House never happened to them.
How wrong that would've been. It's obvious the absolute Injustice of it. In my mind they were the real ones .. As opposed to me
I'm getting better and better at being in the moment, and for awhile there I thought maybe it will be just this easy. It‘s not easy accepting I‘m one of the Real ones. A strong feeling that I can only attempt to describe as a feeling of injustice, anger .. power.

It feels good, it feels as if much less is on my mind, like it's cleared now.. In order to hold on to it, and stay not-numb, I have to remind myself that I am one of the real ones, and that I was always one of the real ones, and all those years merely happened to me, same as they could have happened to other guys who are the real ones.
The House had me assuming that I was somehow inherently different from the other boys, somehow inherently less. It wasn't true, and I can feel it plain as day.
I went to this car wash today, preparing for the drive home from the military class. At the counter the girl was talking to me and told me about her brother, she said: _Before he joined the military I was almost worried about him -- not interested in girls, not going out, you know? As his older sister I was protective of him and I feel bad for that now. Then he joined the army and he's out line dancing all the time and he's crazy about girls.._
and I said, in reply: _So it was about confidence.._

My friends keep telling me, 'you've got to get out more, you've got to get out more. You're one of the attractive ones, so you have no excuse..'
The House I rent is forty minutes from one of the largest cities, but other than that there's not much to do but work.
I made a promise to my friends that I would continue going out regularly once I was back home. I seem to like sports a lot.

Afterwards I went to this Hibachi Japanese restaurant with friends from the class. Good food helps me stay and enjoy the moment.

I know that the only way to be in-the-moment and not numb is to be Universal, to be a blank slate, to just be your heart beating and nothing more -- nothing superficial -- I’ve been proud of what a human being can do, a human being's resilience, toughness, wildness -- love. I like this body I'm in, I like this Life.