Early, early in the day I caught myself rehearsing to myself in my mind, rehearsing for the day. I had a long bus ride and during it I tried to make sense of it.
It pulls me out of the moment and into numbness whenever I rehearse to myself. Like for a difficult conversation, or for a date, or for all kinds of things. I think it's natural in a way, maybe a natural human tendency, but the numbness used it to facilitate numbness.
I played volleyball this evening. I had my shirt off; which is usually consistently triggering for me, because of my childhood and how fervently and stubbornly I would refuse to be shirtless at any time, even for swimming.
Afterwards we went to a sandwhich shoppe. I went to the bathroom to wash my hands. I glanced at myself in the mirror and was caught aback. I was wearing a beige baseball cap, a white shirt, beige cargo shorts, and had a strong tan. I looked like a normal young guy.
I sat with the group of my fellow classmates and we ate our sandwiches and it was a lot of fun. As I sat there the question kept whispering in my mind: is it Real though?
Is it possible for me to be a normal young guy? Even with all those years I have known. Isn't it tainted somehow? Looking around at the moment, at the people around me, at that glance in the mirror, listening to the laughter, and my name being called or said here and there. I found that it was absolutely real, and all the years of horror in the world can't taint the present moment .. it was real..
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