(thinking about K____, and how he seems to have rejected me; as I’m driving around checking ranges with MSG H____ . K__‘s the only person I really know my age. We were supposed to go on a quick trip to NY just before deployment, but he backed out.)
Funny I’d criticize those characters in the films for lacking character. Look how much I mind this pain. It hasn’t gotten to me yet. The pain is just there, but I’m not unhappy.
I am analyzing away .. past instances, conversations, exchanges, looking for mistakes on my part ..
Maybe I didn’t do anything wrong. And maybe he hasn’t done anything wrong, and maybe he hasn’t rejected me in some way, seen something about me that made him change his mind about me, and maybe he did.
Maybe. .. I say I don’t like to feel pain. But I feel more alive all over when I feel.
As long as I’m never unhappy, I can be alive again. I’m the one who chooses whether to be unhappy or not. Whether I’m in pain or pleasure is out of my control.
Being alive though .. It’s good .. It’s as if feeling pain feels good. The more pain I feel, the more alive I feel.
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