NY, then Deployed, 1

17OCT2008

Nowadays, when a child says something describing sexual abuse, the words are allowed. Back then, in my time, no such thing.
If you came from Abuse, you were on your own, against your Abusers, and a tidal wave of social injustice.
Sexual abuse is one of the worst things that can happen. I have always felt I was more on par with the little people (like in Stones from the River, Oprah‘s Book Club) or deaf people as far as my daily experience, because it is so different, yet just as Real as the rest.
Growing up I felt connected to such characters in books, and read their narratives all the time. Especially anything Toni Morrison ever wrote.
I guess I’ll always feel that way. I suppose my life will always be different, there’s no undoing it, and nowadays I don’t think I want to change it, now that it seems just as Real as any other.
__________　

18OCT2008
　
I thought it was my body that dishonors me. But it’s me that dishonors my body. I have thought for a long long time that it was the moment that dishonors me. But it’s me that dishonors the moment. It began with the dream I woke from maybe three mornings ago. I was in a
bedroom having sex. The bedroom was surrounded by the House, as if it had
been inserted into the House.
I knew They were there, could here their
presence in the other rooms. An argument happened in my mind as I am thrusting, etc. It didn't fit that Real sex and the House could exist in the same world, and yet in this dream they did. The confusion of this played out
for awhile in disjointed, sometimes incoherent thoughts. Part of the thoughts was: _Life is this easy,_ I remember the dream saying, _Sex and
babies, sex and babies. You can't do any wrong to that._
In the dream the bedroom won out over the House. The sex in the bedroom was different,
too. It was Ego-less, Story-less. The woman didn't mean anything to me superficially, like a trophy woman, or even a woman that promised a future of descendants, nothing like that, it was just pure bodies. It was the easiest thing in the world ..
__________
　
(running errands, driving home)
Passing by other guys my age, in parking lots, stores, one in particular at a gas station. He was no better looking than me, or better than me in any way, but he had a girlfriend, and they were playing around, and laughing.
_I wish I was that guy,_ I thought, referencing this image I have of a pure guy, one not from the House, one untainted.
And just that quick, I thought, _You are that guy._