So I do have an identity: Him (B). All this time I kept trying to undue the false sense of identity the House insisted upon me. I learned how to let it go. I didn't realize it would work out this way.
When I'm Him, I understand feelings more. I suddenly understand the concept of them, as if I had never not-known. I then recognize how others are feeling, and navigate more easily.
When I'm Him (B) there are all these Known unwritten rules and standards. That's how having an identity works. In the House it was impossible to follow those rules and self-standards because my Abusers had already anticipated this. Hate is genius like that. No wonder I felt too dishonored and dishonorable to be Him.
There is the World all around Him, and inside Him reside the one experiencing it all -- with all the tendency toward insecurities, the tendency toward ego, etcetera.
When I'm Him, I'm safe, secure, with a clear and quiet mind. Without Him, I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve, remaining susceptible to all kinds of problems. I used to know this without words. When I feel unworthy of being myself -- of being Him -- not only do I have my heart on my sleeve, but I have no idea how to fix it, and am just an open wound for the world to throw salt on.
The enemy is self reflection (says Tolle). It seems like self refleciton is what lifted me out of the Abuse's dire consequences. Actually it was becoming Aware of the Abuse's manipulations concerning my thoughts, feelings, and sense of being that is what pulls me out.
Those were not reflections of the self, they were reflections on Abuse, on my past, the House, but not my Self. Self reflection is the constant mental noise that won't let the self Be. The real culprit that encourages me to always be self-reflecting is the House's methods.
You would have to be numb to perform the Abuses that were committed there. To be in the face of such numbness, to experience the Violence that numb people are capable of, it makes you want to keep a little numbness for yourself, in reserves.
Like when you face Evil, the tendency is to keep a little evil in yourself, just in case you'll need it in the future, to combat all the horrors you now know exist.
Like fighting fire with fire, instead of water.
When I let go of the self-reflection and its stream of thoughts, I can feel susceptible to their tactics. It feels like a Dumb Masculinity, susceptible to the craftiness of others.
Meanwhile water combats fire better than fire.
Like in the ordinary skirmishes of everyday life, I reserve a dose of Aggression inside of me, always, just in case the person I'm dealing with is as Bad as those of the House.
Like when K___ and I butt heads. I instantly clam up, assert my independence and self sufficiency, and am on the Ready for any Bad to come my way.
Meanwhile in Reality, K___ and I have merely butted heads, and I have quickly and methodically positioned myself in case of nuclear war.
Seems innocent enough -- since I come from Abuse -- except that I can feel Aggression and Hate somewhere behind my actions. I don't understand it.
Like I want to make sure the person I'm dealing with knows I can be just as evil as them, even though the person can't even imagine the evil I'm talking about, much less find it within themselves.
K___ and I butted heads a couple of days ago.
K___ is a medic and was transferred to another platoon because he turned out to be one of the best medics. It’s different because now our day to day missions occur separate from each other. I have fun with my platoons and he has fun with his.
K__'s platoon had a little party of sorts the other night. (A careful, quiet party because we're not supposed to have alcohol here.) It was right after his mission, so he came to our room, dropped his gear off, and abruptly left, without saying a word.
I felt the sting of it, and at first didn't know why. It was like he was trying to quickly get away from me. He seemed to have assumed that I might try to invite myself to his platoon's gig, he acted like he was trying to avoid that, which isn't fair, because I'm not like that, and it had never occurred to me to be like that.
K___ and I have had a strong friendship, with an ease of constant conversation and a trustworthy confidence between us, hence his flippant gesture stung.
I didn't posture for nuclear war immediately. I simply gave him the benefit of the doubt.
When K___ and I have seperate days, we then, naturally, tell each other everything about our days, so that it never seems seperate .. Uncharacteristically, he never told me about that night.
That's when I began to pull back, assert more independence and self sufficiency, and tell him less and less. I guess everything seemed normal enough between us, but the underlying distrust in the air made the situation ripe for catalyst.
K___ has a tendency toward ego, same as anybody else. A part of it seems to be about his being so well-educated (compared to the rest of us joes.) He didn't earn or pay for this amazing access to education, he was simply born into an upper middle class family and those were simply the natural steps of his life -- hence I've never been all that impressed or intimidated by it.
I'll kid him about it now and again to bring him back to earth. I kidded him the other day and he turned his back, put on his headphones, and started watching a movie on his laptop -- like he was dissing me.
That's when I felt like a fool and postured myself for nuclear war. It wasn't a choice, it's just that when I talk and converse, it's because I've opened up. With this new cloud of uncertainty over us I don't feel open and therefore can never think of anything to say.
I know, in the end, he'll say, angrily: _You stopped talking,_ as if that's what he finds most hurtful about me -- because that's what he said last time we argued. When I stop talking he finds it mean, and I guess feels like a fool.
We tip toe around each other now. K___ can be sensitive. He's seems just as afraid as I am of being burned. We avoid each other, and when we do cross paths, our defenses are way up, and there's a fierceness in our eyes.
It never occurs to me that people who have experienced humane lives -- the opposite of my life -- can be just as easily and genuinely hurt as I can be. I'm always being heavy handed with them, without meaning to be. Sometimes my actions in those moments feel appropriate, when actually they're not.
In the back of my mind I have the House, the Aggression, the Evil, the fire, and that piece of it I have inside of me. So I ask myself if my reactions and responses to K___ are the appropriate ones, or if they're fire branded.
I honestly don't know the answer.
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