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18SEP2009

My life was the Real life, just as real as anybody else's. That's why I belong.
(Sometimes all the tv shows and media that portray American life one way, make me feel that I don't belong, that I'm not normal.)

Being Him is hard, because certain untrue identities rear up. Like the one of my being a pervert. No innocent boyhood for me: sex dreams before I was in Kindergarten. Crushes on girls; my parents would lose me in malls because I would see a pretty woman and just start following her. What was I supposed to think. There were lots of untrue identifiers ..
What I believed about myself, is what others naturally believed about me, making the untrue identifier an even stronger enemy force.
When I’m Him, the Story of the House isn’t on my mind, or even a part of who I am. Him, on his own, is enough. When it does come up Him doesn’t go into Story telling mode -- that doesn’t exist in Him .. Him doesn’t live in the past. I just tell my understanding of that memory, in the present moment. Him doesn’t live in his head.
(watching The Wonder Years) I feel my age, and I still feel young .. Lately, I can feel what it was like to be a boy, those years. I can feel what it was like to be a teenager, the way I perceived the world .. I feel my Life, not my Story .. The story, (the House,) doesn’t get in the way, it seems unimportant, it seems resolved. Maybe.
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19SEP2009
　
(listening to _Bittersweet Symphony_ by the Verve, like on that one Saturday night) words stuck in my mind because of it:
the time is now. (no more dreaming of the future, like I did that Saturday night when I was 13 or 14, walking home from the abandoned basketball gym.)
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20SEP2009
　
(watching The Wonder Years) Life is nothing like TV .. You’re already the Real person all these actors are trying to express. Stop feeling the need to build anything, like some performer, or writer, or director trying to build an American character, one that fits into American culture, one that is accepted by the Americans, the white people, the ones whose human rights were automatically theirs just for being born. Stop looking for yourself.

.. being honorable enough to be Him, isn't about past actions. It's about who you are. It's about being Real (honest, genuine, natural) enough to face anything, including the past. People who have never done Bad (dishonorable) things, will never get the chance to be this honorable.