3

22MAY2009
　
Three died today. Awkward day.
K____ didn’t go right to sleep at the end of his shift, because the electricity was out.
He went all the way to my AO to see if I was available for lunch.
He told me about his Bravo platoon adventure.
At chow he didn’t understand why I thought everyone liked him. I found that surprising.
_Well they at least know you’re cooler than them,_ I said.
_Well, yeah, of course,_ K____ said, jokingly ..

__________
　
23MAY2009
　
Everyone’s sick, always in the latrines or unexpectedly puking .. There are birds here, about the only live thing around in this foreign ecosystem.
___________
　
24MAY2009

K____ walked up to my AO yesterday in PTs so I asked him if he was on his way to doing some Physical Training at the Gym.
He said no, he was just picking up some medical supplies.
Later I had to find K__, and Lo__ told me K__ had told him hours earlier that he would be at the gym.
I walked into the gym to let him know about the medical supplies, and there he was.
It’s become a touchy subject. Whenever we talk about working out or physical fitness, he becomes argumentative, touchy.
Is that how drastic the switch? Is that how ugly it is? K__’s insecurity is a difficult sight for me. It made me sad and angry that such a True person could lose it all so completely.
Everything good about him becomes bad, even his good looks become only superficial. K__’s shadow infuriates me, it makes me want to punch him/it in the face sometimes.
I read his insecurity as him expecting to be better than me, ahead of me. Maybe he reads my insecurity the same way.
I think my pinky finger is broken. I busted it while working. Everyone has something broken or busted. Uniforms torn up, pieces hanging. We look pretty scrappy and wore out.
Last night, as I worked in the connex in the dark, heaving Guardian totes bigger than me, I felt present, masculine, conscious. I was alone.
(reading The Power of Now) When I slept with the Christmas girl it wasn’t until she told her Story that I wanted to sleep with her. I would have seen her attractiveness or lack of attractiveness instantly if I wasn’t so hung up on Story.
(lack of sex) When I acknowledge the reality of the state of my sexuality, my sex life, my sexual history, despite all its pain I get something back that fuels the presence.
A certain sexy-feeling, a strong feeling of sexual being, it feels like sexual power, youth, masculinity.