4

25MAY2009
　
Last night as I walked to the tent, I stopped by the CP to tell K____ about reenlistments. He asked me if I had some time and we hung out for awhile.
He told me there was no one for him to talk to in there. He said _I don’t know what’s changed. I’m missing something and it’s driving me nuts._
I understood he was missing me and about fell out. It’s nice, having a friend, I think.

It looks like they are keeping K___ in the TOC out of meanness. I would never have expected that.
My mind is racing after having lunch with K__ and Doc Wood__ .. Can’t seem to get present, so I’m just writing, trying to clear my head, to get to the beginning of what’s bothering me .. I know there’s no use of my writing notes until I’m present, but the process of articulating correctly what I’m going thru, automatically forces presence ..
As we were waiting for Mace_ to return to my AO so we cold go to lunch, K____ and I sat outside and he told me quietly the conversation he’d unwillingly had with the XO this morning.
The XO purposefully not-really-jokingly called him a pacifist. K____ said the XO wasn’t there super bowl night when everybody was drinking or drunk and K____ started joking about pacifism with the commander as witness.
Meaning it had been brought up in discussion between the commander and the XO and might explain why K__ was working in the CP, despite being our best medic.
K____ said he knows he’s cooler than the XO and he knows the XO knows it. _I mean, when he gives out those little safety briefings,_ K____ was saying, _And has those little punch lines, none of that stuff is original._
-- That’s what got to me. K____ is so heavily invested in the present moment that everything about him is his. Is original. He’s been present for so long I don’t know if my Toughness can keep up with his sheer effortlessness. He is in practice, all I’ve got is Toughness. We’re our best friend here and so different.
The reason I caught myself so masculine in the connex the night before last, is because I was so focused on the work of dealing with those huge boxes. -- Just like Tolle said, come so into the moment that you lose your _Self_, at least, that wordy self in your head that‘s not really you.
It seems to me like K____ talks so much (and so well) because he doesn’t talk much in his head.
He needs to talk, or otherwise he’d never articulate at all. It gives articulation a whole new definition. Expression and articulation become the same.
Now that K____ has been working out he is confidant about it again and we can talk freely again. Still, I never bring up the subject, out of habit.
K____, yesterday: _I’m the first to admit how shallow I am when it comes to girl’s looks. I’d rather be celebant_ [than have an ugly girl].