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17MAY2009

(waking) Had a dream where I had all these brothers and sisters, like on the show _Brothers and Sisters._ In the dream I thought, is this right?
To be getting caught up in all these storylines (as the brother) when I know it all to be fiction?
__________
　
18MAY2009

Walked into K____’s tent and was stopped by the scene:
SGT Pr___ bothering him, K____ rubbing his head obviously having just woken up.
He was in a grey A-shirt and I was taken aback by his easy masculinity, compared to my difficult own.
He looked at me like he wished we could talk but obviously couldn’t, and I walked out, wanted to get away from Pr____ anyway ..
It hurt, the contrast. K____’s masculinity is a different reflection of the same thing mine is a reflection of. His is a reflection of mine, and mine of his, not a contrast.
It is profound to me that I don’t need to make any changes. I only need to be more aware of my perception until it becomes my true perception .. My perception can become so erroneous when it comes to myself ..
The words: _You can’t fuck it up_ stay in my mind. You can never be tainted, no matter what.
__________
　
19MAY2009

(Went to chow with K____)
K____ has a strong personality. He doesn’t talk during his RTO shift, he says. He doesn’t engage (_show up_) and yet, he does, because he shows up for himself. Hence he still comes across as having a strong personality, and people can’t f_ck with him, even when they want to.
_Yeah, I guess we’ll get together each night before my shift to make sure I leave the stuff you need [like movies, etc.]_ he said, on his own.
Acted as if it was a given. I swear we must be friends. Maybe.
__________
　
20MAY2009

This morning K____ actually got out of bed and got dressed in order to go to breakfast with me.
He then proceeded to tell me about this workout band system he was going to get _in case you want in on it._ he said. We must be friends.
The more conscious I am, the more my consciousness matches the consciousness I had in the House. Memory becomes sharper, clearer. Maybe it’s a bad idea to remember while deployed with a semi automatic weapon always in my hands.
But I have to be Focused, to survive. Plus I often have other lives in my hands.