(Now in our new home, seeming in the middle of nowhere)
Woke from dream where I was like a first person fighter in a video game.
I fought both Mace__ and K____ back with a knife.
Turned out unfair of me and I woke up while still trying to explain to K____:
_Don’t you see? I had to make room for myself so I could fight off the real bad guys.___________
14MAY2009
I am not happy here. Before, K____ was there and I slacked on making myself happy.
Now that our routines are separating, I have to go back to my roots.
__________
15MAY2009
(thinking of the café, back in the day, and how I was the young, clean, good-looking one. No wonder E__ fell in love with me.)
Even compared to Br__ and the other girl E____ was jealous of, I was the Attractive One. The other girl was my age, as opposed to E__ who was much older. The other girl tried to get into bicycling like how I was into bicycling, she changed her appearance after I became a regular, even though she already had a boyfriend.
For a moment I was Real. Real enough to write the poetry. But then I let them down and dashed their hopes. I feel the worst about her hope. The other girl’s. She wore short shorts for me.
__________
16MAY2009
I keep feeling like my situation doesn’t have much human dignity.
It’s because I look for it in the wrong place. Human dignity resides in the How.
Yesterday K____ brought me a water out of the blue, and today he saw me in the chow hall and sat down. I think we might be friends.
I understand that I will never have a best friend. It goes against the Real. Even a best girl (wife), maybe. It’s too self-identifying, it might sap my strength.
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