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01NOV2008
　
The Natural History Museum. (The giant lizard looking at me)
I know what it's like to be trapped in a box day in and day out, to live a lifetime that way.. it has no effect on identity, one way or the other, but you're not allowed to flourish, in the moments, you're allowed to breathe but not to live ..
(the dinosaur exhibit) Life is not about position. It's too insane to say who's in what position -- look how even the dinosaurs went extinct, while their small, rodent-like counterparts survived ..
The very idea of 'position' will destroy all Life ..
Diversity is the key to surviving any future ..
Sexual selection -- just think of all the day-to-day, moment-to-moment Life, for millions of years. ..
Evolution is choices made by individuals concerning sustaining life -- moving forward.
Even the continents seem to have made choices -- to drift awhile, join together, and afterward break apart.
Choices that show up in all good stories -- choices of falling in love, of leaving a lover, of moving on with a tragic life, of sustaining life and the humble choice to not fear.
That's what makes Life beautiful. The individuals and their individual stories ..
The couples. They all keep looking for each other's eyes, even from across a room, keeping that constant connection. I first knew that with W___ when we were battle buddies in the military.


02NOV2008
　
Just stepping in from the NYC Marathon .. What I remember are the connections. The story I remember intellectually, but the connections I remember in my bones -- the shirtless green guy at the Halloween parade right up next to me, yelling my ear, arm around my soldier, his breath against my face; the guy on the subway, darting his eyes away form me and back again, over and over; W____ looking for my eyes during a training event -- connections.
There haven't been a lot of connections in my lifetime. It's like I make up excuses not to connect, then intellectually analyze them in order to disprove them.
By then, though, the window for connection has closed.
I knew exactly what I was doing, just pretending like it was all happening to me. But there is something in me that creates these situations, instances, something that insists on no connections. Why is this?