4

4JUL2008

Yesterday is when it really began .. I didn’t know if it was real or not and now I know it is. When I look at things now, actually whenever I open my eyes, I don’t see a rug or a set of speakers or a couch, I see the fibers from cotton and wool and the dye in the rug and wood from the trees and the cloth stretched over the speakers, and I see the metal from the earth that made the springs in the couch.

Now that everything is so obviously temporary and manipulated from Alive things like cotton and wool and wood and metal, everything seems more alive like how Eckhart Tolle described.

Today, when I do sit ups and work out, it’s not because I want to be a built or good looking person, it’s just that I enjoy my muscles, the way a tiger or a bear enjoys its strength, assertively swiping rocks out of the way or stretching its paws. It’s not because it’s trying to ‘be’ something or its hurting anybody else, it’s just enjoying who they already are.

(watching Jackie Brown) My roots. Her only making 16,000 a year and in trouble and showing how cool she is. I never want to forget how cool 16,000 a year can be.

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16JUL2008 Wednesday.
　
It was the closest I could get to sexuality: being the Wanted. I like this photograph because it expresses it so clearly, the Wanted and the Wanting and how different their attitudes are.
Each individual is both, otherwise they’re not Real yet. I’ve searched and worked hard to be one of the Wanted, but it was unsatisfying, it wasn’t enough. It’s both or nothing at all.
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(driving home from a local strip club) S___ :
_You weren’t holding eye contact with any of them .. You weren’t putting yourself out there .._
I just don’t understand strip clubs.
I don’t know how to make myself dumb enough to believe any of the strippers.
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Turns out I have Real hands, and Real arms, and Real legs, and Real feet, Real shoulders, and chest, and a Real stomach, a Real back, and a Real member, and a Real face
When others look at me, at my hands, arms, legs, feet, shoulders, chest, stomach, member, and especially my face .. I’m not afraid anymore, because I know, whether they do or not, that it’s Real, it’s all Real, as Real as anything that ever was, or ever will be.
I am just as Real as all the men and women I have known, and all my heroes. Just as real as what they call a tree, and what they call a cloud, and what they call cotton, and what they call lightning.
I was taught and believed that because they were mine, they weren’t Real. The House took that from me, or tried to.