5

22JUL2008

I think about what it’s going to be like when I’m deployed -- different scenarios, situations, in my head. All the while I know it’s going to be just like this. This moment. Either with me with my head in the clouds or with my being Real.
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26JUL2008

I have a tendency to just be words and not Real.
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27JUL2008
　
(waking) Throughout the dreams I was in this mood that I’ve only rarely felt in waking life. It was this ability to deeply feel the Injustice in my life.
It was this new personality in which anger was an option, it was reserved, but a part of me. In one dream I am arrested and they take my shirt. I lay on the cot as these women who worked there kept coming in trying to ask me questions and make sense of me, but really they just wanted to be with me.
I refused to answer any questions, just lay there and enjoyed how each girl kept trying not to look at my body.
There was a moment in the dream where it felt like it did in the House where A__ and H__ and Mom would like it when I would get mad because they were on-the-look-out for masculinity and they could see it in me more if I had this underlying anger about me.
Whenever they did catch a bit of my masculinity, they always laughed at it. I thought I was really doing something when I hid the masculinity so well that they couldn’t hurt me anymore by laughing at it.
It infuriated them for awhile, because they knew the real me was still in there, still running things, but after awhile they believed that maybe I was really gone.
I was also guilty of forgetting about the Real me. It turned out to be self destructive. Like how I turned the years in the House into a great Waiting. None of them thought that I would actually do that, they couldn’t believe that I would actually do that. But I did. It was self-destructive as hell, but I did it, like Sula cutting off the tip of her finger ..
You will be the person they looked for in the House. You will be the guy they kept on-the-lookout for. It’s who you are, it emulates masculinity. You know how to be yourself, you just have to allow it.
I went back and read over the old poetry yesterday. In one it actually mentions all stories .. Back then, shortly after June 1^st, I didn’t know all the words I know now. I just knew all this stuff in my heart, and what I didn’t know showed up for me as a new Truth, in-the-moment.
Why did I lose my heart after only a few weeks? Because what it knew and what my head thought were always opposite.
I remember the beginning of June 1^st, when I bolted out of bed, having suddenly remembered.
Back then I didn’t know that Aggression, Assertiveness, and Anger were three different things, I thought it was all negative, so I termed it all Seriousness when it showed up. Some Serious thing that needed examining, some powerful thing that could either destroy my life or save it.
Before June 1^st, the only Anger I had ever known was Aggression, which made me feel Less, and worse for it.
Only on June 1^st did I learn real Anger, Anger without Aggression, Anger that just told the truth.
The more I invest in the Heart, and the less I invest in the Head, the more likely the Switch.