5

03MAY2009

This consciousness (the watching) is the exact same one that knew at seven years old that I should kill myself, or at least make a timeline for when I would ..
Have I been running from my own consciousness? The Body me who doesn’t want to die.
The Soul me who knows to die.
Has my whole life just been put in three sentences?
__________


04MAY2009
　
(breakfast chow, alone)
This violence inside of me is ruining my days .. This better than/less than lie ruins my days.
Every moment is ruined. The masculinity flees and is just now returned to me because I’m watching.

Went inside a Hodgie (Arab) office in the ‘Training Set’ trailer. I met the most hospitable professionalism, was offered a seat, told to make myself comfortable. Several minutes later I handed a phone to someone and the Arabs went dead silent at my rude interruption. Huh.
A female E-6 randomly picked me up as I was walking to the SSA. She was attractive in an athletic way and funny, saying she was rear for her unit who just left for up north. She would meet up with them in a couple of days. She was trying to drag it out because she ‘hates those fuckers.’ (She laughs)
(evening) Can I drift to sleep right now? K____ teaches me this unknowingly. His mind is so clear and his confidence so secure, he can go in and out of sleep seamlessly all day, with no worries that he will open his eyes to something he’s not prepared for.
　
__________
　
06MAY2009
　
(waking) .. dreamed about women. Was visiting a local university, in uniform, for work, but I didn’t have to stay at the booth. Was pulled into this rich house by Joan Crawford. Visited in her bedroom. She leaves and I wait. A young woman comes in through a door at the bottom of some stairs that go right to the bedroom. She works as a mattress fluffer. I naturally strip. The husband and daughter come home and wait for me to leave. Shocked that a young stranger and their mattress fluffer could’ve crossed paths in their bedroom.

Played ping pong with K____ while remembering what I had learned about the anxiety behind winning and losing. I won just as many as he did. The anxiety then showed up in his face and manner, and I kidded him about it. He said competition always is with the opponent. I said it is always with yourself.