6

07MAY2009
　
(In latrine at DFAC) I reached over to wash my hands. There was legitimacy in the masculinity in the mirror. I almost mistook myself for someone else, someone like Royal.
Later in the latrine at the barracks when I brushed my teeth, it happened again. There’s a secret somewhere in this.

(afternoon chess with K____) Is K____ a baby? Chess frustrates him.
(evening ping pong with K____) Days ago I learned there was no such thing as winning/losing/better than/less than. Then I played better this evening, really better than ever.
We had to wait for a table and I watched this brown skinned guy play ahead of me. I recognized the athleticism he had inside myself.
Then I played very well and so did K____ and we had a blast.
__________


08MAY2009

Packed for the next movement. Upon packing, I realized I couldn’t find my forscom ammo. That’s serious business.
My first thought was Don’t panic. I stayed calm, and the list that always forms, formed.
This one began with going to chow with K___. Then, looking through all my stuff again. Then it meant checking with K____ and looking through his area. Then I rechecked my steps. Starting with where I smoked cigarettes last night. Then on to the USO where we played ping pong last night. Then I checked my watch and saw I was running low on time for the accountability formation, where they would want to see my ammo.
First I went to the MWR theatre, which is where I thought would be the best spot for the job. I staked it out, and saw two or three people sleeping -- waiting for the film to start -- whose ammo was in a good position to be lifted.
Unfortunately the film didn’t start until 1600, which is the same time as the formation, so I had to move on to plan B.
Still calm, and telling myself to stay calm, despite my heart pumping, while keeping a good acknowledgment of my pulse and beat, I moved on to the other buildings: the gym, the other theatre, back to the USO where I lifted two weapons, whose magazines were empty.
I ran out of time, and had to run back to make formation. I was lucky, the formation time had been changed to 1530. I checked with SSG Mead___ who told me to find the ammo and he’d cover for me.
I went back to the USO theatre, with the sleeping three. The place was packed because _Miss March_ was paying. Me and K____ had seen _Miss March_ not long ago.
I sat on the floor same as a crowd of other people because there weren‘t any seats left.
I sat behind an old man, one of the three. The butt of his weapon was in my crotch as I sat Indian style. I waited for what I knew was the funniest scene of the movie.
She has an epileptic seizure as she’s giving the bl-w job, and locks jaws on his d-ck. The audience goes wild. I rip the Velcro, even drop the mag, and still am fine. No one notices. I leave. There were a few compromises, like W___, being in the theatre. But I ran into him later that evening and he was oblivious.
Upon coming back to the barracks I didn’t know how to feel. I only knew that I felt unusually alive, having remained calm and having held on.
Being so focused reminded me of what it was like to have left the House at eighteen and fell into a world lacking of such danger/focus.
The immorality of it didn’t f-ck with my consciousness. I knew it was wrong and still held on. I whispered the whole story to K___, over cigarettes, and he thought it was great, he said it was the coolest thing he’d ever heard.