7

10MAY2009

(took shower looked in mirror)
I can see the boy in me, the boy I was, I look the same. The continuity is strong.
Turns out that Without Story means that the idea of ‘punishment’ is irrelevant.
Everyone deserves their human dignity, no matter what.
I realized that while waiting in line at the calling center with K____, who was going to call his mom (because it was mother’s day.) I decided to call mine.
The Continuity was still strong so I watched my hands, in order to continue to hold on to it as I listened to the phone ring. My hands, my once-boy-hands, matured hands, the right one squeezing into a fist, then relaxing, then making another fist, as she answered.
Her voice still sounded young; she seemed very calm and unsurprised, taking the call in stride.
She told of the laundry mat, and of how Rachael Ray has taught her how to cook a few things. She said her and H__ were emailing back and forth for a month now.
It was harder to hold on as she began about the Story, wanting to work on issues that way: exchanging stories and understanding each other, which will never happen because I’m a liar when it comes to them. I had a hard time choosing my words, and felt on-the-spot. I realized there was no hope for a relationship unless I could tell the truth, and I already chose not to. So why did I call? It was selfish, I think. Meanwhile the difficulty they wrecked on my life was enormous and that kept me calm about my mistakes.
They treated me like a dog during my time in the House. They were opportunistically aggressive; they were bullies; they was no point in telling them the truth back then.
My act of keeping the secrets was punishment for in and of itself, because it made them lost ..
Now I feel sorry for them all. I didn’t know adult life worked this way. That you could be your own Hell, that Truth would be so key.
But I hated being a liar. That position wrecked a lot of my life. I’d rather not have the relationships if that’s what it takes. If I told now they’d all have to yet again choose between me or R___: her husband, their father, the one they chose twenty years ago and have facilitated sense.
For awhile, as I grew up in the House, it was like the whole world depended on my being a liar. As if Rome would fall if I spoke too truthfully. Let the world end then ..
She said A__ was casually mean to her, and she told A__ if she didn’t enjoy her company, she shouldn’t do what she didn’t want to do.
She said H____ has been trying to hunt me down. I think I was right in figuring that was H___ checking my MySpace everyday.
Afterwards, I had a hard time staying Real, the Story of the House was so strong. And I felt foolish for calling when there was no hope for a relationship.
I tried to express myself genuinely to K____ but it felt like my words fell on deaf ears, or at least uninterested ears.
K____ and I played ping pong, then went to midnight chow, then took showers, then I lay down.
I felt frustrated, and the words: _be appropriate_ ran through my mind and fixed that. I called my Mom, it was difficult. I didn’t identify with any of it, or let it infringe on me, and that’s all there is to it.