8

01APR2009

(in van) It’s you who makes your Story cool, not the story that makes you cool.
K____ watches me as much as I him, like those people in the Met of Art back in October .. we do a lot of eye signals. We can send a look at each other and communicate from across a room. It’s subtle, and others don’t notice.
(K_____ and his girl, as we rode up I-95, crossing into God‘s Country)
(They have country voices, they smoke, they drive a beat up car, they are both good looking)
They remind me of God’s Country and they’re so normal .. It hurts to know that if I had been born two or three houses down, I could have never known such a childhood as the House.
More and more I’m becoming the guy I would’ve been. It makes my chest hurt.
Am I me?
__________
　
02APR2009

My whole life seems to be me trying to learn how to be alive.
That’s not fair.
I should’ve been alive the whole time.
__________
　
04APR2009


(still have the Echo Bay duffle bag) What it means to me .. what it meant to me when I bought it when I was sixteen .. ESCAPE
__________

Night of 07-08APR2009

(Us talking about K____’s girlfriend, J____)
_You haven’t noticed a few things?_ K__ said
_Well, I think of myself as socially awkward, so maybe I don’t see it because of that._
You’re not socially awkward. I mean, you say things differently than others, yeah, like you say _absolutely_, and that night where you let Mos___ and Hi____ have it, that was a little different. You’re just so direct and to the point when you speak. [He means I can be mean.] But you’re not socially awkward._
(he continues)
_In studies it was shown that when you have to work for something, the more you have to work for it, the more you enjoy it when you finally get it. Like if you have to work a year to save up money for a car, then you’ll enjoy that car so much more because you worked the year,_
Later I told him about how the fact that I had paid such costs left what I had paid for less enjoyable, making it seem like only my children would reap the benefits, because I was too exhausted by the costs.

__________
　

Late night 09APR2009

I pretend to be a man, pretend to be cool, instead of being one, because I think I’m unworthy. That’s why when I’m Real it takes half the energy.
Maybe.