7

(Early morning 24MAR2009)

If K_____ had my Story he’d been a mess.
A____ had a similar spirit to K__’s and she’s a mess. And H___.
Both of them were very confident.
Don’t let K____’s stories of school dishearten you, I have to think to myself regularly. There is just as much dignity in your difficulties as there are in his difficult classes.
(Meanwhile the last time I was in school I was eleven, and he’s about to get his bachelor’s with a double major.)
__________
　
25MAR2009
　
(K____)
When I’m intimidated by him, it’s because he’s more confident then me. Which is strange because his confidence has nothing to do with me, nor mine with him.
Confidence, sheer, un-aggressive confidence, is your entitlement, your power, completely non-material and soulful.
__________
　
26MAR2009
　
Now that I can see Him in K____, I isolate it, and see it in myself .. At times it hurts.
The Southern League kept the black protesters away from the white, with Dr. Martin Luther King Jr’s approval. So the blacks wouldn’t be disheartened by the white’s good health and nutrition, ease of manner and education, etc ..
I looked for my masculinity in photographs, in others, was naturally infatuated by it.
Now maybe I’ve found it, forging through the homoeroticism, the self-doubt, the mystery of Want ..
__________
　
27MAR2009
_They weren’t mad?_ I asked K____ at the smoking area, laughing.
_Like I cared,_ he said. _ MedDet was just a bunch of pushovers. I got to do whatever I wanted. I worked hard but there was never a point where I had to do something._