6

19MAR2009
　
(am 1SG’s gunner, first time out with him) I wonder how he treats his kids .. K____‘s not afraid of him, at all, it’s like it doesn’t even occur to him to be..
Later I asked K____ if he found any of this difficult (the work) he said, _Well, it wasn’t simple .. _
His confidence amazes me .. I’m for sure I’ve been fired for the 1SG’s crew, he’s been on me all day.

__________
　
20MAR2009

Wasn’t fired. Learned to traverse, fill radios, etc. _I’m going to teach you how to think,_ 1SG said.
Me and K_____ are so close 1SG thinks we’re gay.
When K____ told me we laughed hard.
K____ said Hi_____ was the one one who’d informed him of what the 1SG had said about us.
_Well as long as it doesn’t freak you out,_ K__ had said as a casual retort.
Wish I could’ve seen the look on Hi__’s face.
__________

21MAR2009
　
(watching _Grateful Dawg_ w/ K___) It’s like I’m hidden. What I think, I don’t acknowledge to myself.
K____ allows my confidence. He likes me for who I am. Maybe. Once Defense is irrelevant, confidence has room to take root.
(going into the shower house with K____)
Confidence has nothing to do with the Material.
It has nothing to do with good looks, good talent, good skills, nothing Material.
__________
　
22MAR2009
　
K____ hates incompetence. It angers him that he’s going to war with incompetent people.
Meanwhile I’m not a good driver. I’m good enough, but not a good driver, and I feel bad about that, even embarrassed.
Meanwhile K____ keeps leaving the lights on in the HMMWV when he drives it. I keep having to go out there and turn them off. I never say anything to him about it. It feels brotherly.
The reason I was so socially awkward at times was because I had big things on my mind and couldn’t fit them into the details of the present moment. It made me awkward, such big things and little moments.
_.. But, Chuck, dealing with the 1SG is risky,_ K____ said.
_Yeah, you risk getting yelled at for nothing._

_No, it’s not that, it’s being tasked out again._
(K____ often makes a point that being treated like sh_t doesn’t affect his mood.)
I imagine K____ with my behavior, and I with his, and I understand how much Story runs my behavior, instead of me.